Sunday, October 29, 2006

Now With 400% More Kane

Greetings wrestling fans. My humblest apologies for the recent deficiency of WWE SmackDown related postings in these hallowed cyber-pages. My stay in rehab for steroid addiction was lengthy and emotionally demanding. I extend my most sincere gratitude to the Arabian Facebuster Wellness Program for starting me on the road to recovery. Although my once chiseled Adonis physique has returned to Jeff Hardy-like proportions, I am now able to enjoy SmackDown without destroying my living room every time Vickie Guerrero (and her JC Penny Fall Collection wearing ass) arrives on the screen.

My return has been an emotional one, made all the more so when I discovered the headquarters mail room flooded with the neglected letters of our ever-devoted fans: Dear Pencil Neck Geek, Who is this Chris Benoit guy and should the Great Kahli be concerned? Pencil Neck Geek, Are the new
Jimmy Wang Yang collectible belt buckles available at WWE Shop Zone yet? Pencil Neck Geek, How can one justify the existence of God when innocent children are starving, cancer remains uncured, and the Miz is allowed to stink up the ring week after week? Well fans, like the return of Mark Henry, these questions will have to wait for another week. Today we must turn our attention to:

The CW! In a last ditch effort to avert the inevitable demise of the UPN and WB, the two floundering networks have recently been consolidated to into a mega-emporium of crap programming. As the corporate assholes behind this unholy merger desperately scramble to keep their sinking ship afloat, ratings are the highest order of the day. This is serious people. Our beloved SmackDown is just one more Bobby Lashley main event away from being replaced by a 7th Heaven marathon. Fortunately, said ratings have arrived- swathed in red spandex.

Intrepid research by the AFOSP (Arabian Facebuster Online Surveillance Program) reveals that Kane holds the cure for the seemingly unstoppable malaise that has plagued SmackDown for years. High level internet sources have assured us that the program, and wrestling in general, can be taken to glorious new heights if Vince will just strap the gold on this pasty monster. So what if I've always found the guy to be a bit one-dimensional in the ring? Desperate times call for, um, pyrotechnics and choke slams. Join me, won't you, as I usher in an exciting new era of Nielsen domination (in my best Jim Ross Shriek):

Omigawd! It's
Kane! ... Kane!! ... Kane!!! ... KANE!!!


Apollo Spas said...

Holy shit. "Jimmy Wang Yang" exists? See, I DO need to start watching Smackdown!
Interesting that your Kane theory actually matches the more ludicrous ramblings of our competitors ("Wrestling sucks and will continue to suck until they give Kane the belt OMG ROTFLMAO <0;)")but, given the paucity of the Smackdown! roster, I can't fault your logic.
Props to the Big Daddy Kane link, by the way. Now I have to find a way to work Kool G. Rap into a post.

Malibu Sands said...

After hours of careful deliberation, I honestly can't think of fresher character to reinvograte the Smackdown brand than the Big Red Machine Kane!