Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Unstoppable...The One Man Gang Is!

I'm unsure to whether the title of this post is supposed to be an allusion to Yoda's syntax or those Citizen Echo Drive commercials. Regardless, here some more sweet sweet old skool goodness, brought to you by the Arabian Facebuster Historical Preservation Society. This clip has got it all: a classic bodyslam challenge angle, a 450 pound behemoth yet to discover his rich African heritage, a manager who gave back to the community by mentoring underprivileged ginger kids in his spare time, a very green (despite already being in the business for 7+ years) Zodiac, and an incredibly geeked up Boy from New York City, with an aide to right wing ideologue and former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms narrating the action.

This clip comes from Mid-Atlantic Wrestling, circa 1983/84. For some unspecified and likely pointless reason, Sir Oliver Humperdrink offered anyone in professional wrestling $5,000 if they could slam his meal-ticket, and the most corpulent white man to ever roam the mean streets of Chicago's South Side, the One Man Gang. The Gang wears a black t-shirt with his name ironed on the front, likely the product of either unbridled narcissism or a seemingly innocent rib involving his gym bag and Bob Orton Jr's feces that spiraled out of control.

Anyways, after failing the week before, Dizzy "The Booty Man" Hogan makes another gallant but ultimately futile attempt to slam the Gang and collect the money. Suddenly, out comes Jimmy "The Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant. Between Valiant, the Gang, and Humperdink, the collection of mangy hairdos and unkept beards in the ring are truly a spectacle to behold. After a pathetic first try, Valiant demands the sound guy in the back to cue his music, presumably to his get his adrenaline flowing and enhance the rail after glorious rail of coke he snorted seconds before charging the ring. The sound guy obliges. As the AM soft rock stylings of Tony Orlando blare over the PA, Valiant lifts the Gang high into the air; but before he can drop the Gang onto his ample posterior, Humperdink intervenes, the Gang comes crashing down onto the hapless Valiant, and the beat down is muthafuckin' ON!

Dizzy "The Barber" Hogan finally gets his wits about him and makes the save, but it is too late. Valiant is convulsing on the canvas, his body in shock from the devastating 747 splash exacerbated by the toxic quantity of yayo in his system.


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