Last night while watching the Impact Zone, I was contemplating how my behavior, choices, world view, and moral compass have become more enlightened since TNA programming commenced on Spike-TV. So I decided to develop a list to share with the loyal readers of Arabian Facebuster to pinpoint the somewhat subtle yet profound changes that have occurred. By no means is this list exhaustive, in fact, it merely scratches the surface of how I have matured.
1. I now sleep in a six-sided bed.
2. Like Mike Tenay, I wear a tuxedo morning, noon, and night.
3. Instead of exchanging a high-five or chest bump with another fan at a sporting event, I reciprocate the gesture with a Black Hole Slam.
4. I take my vacations exclusively at Universal Studios, Orlando FL.
5. When driving past a particularly nasty traffic accident, I roll down my window and yell "GORE, GORE, GORE" at the bewildered, often critically wounded, motorists.
6. I have bulked up significantly with the help of Morphoplex: Ultimate Fat Burner . . . I now possess the physique and muscle definition of Don West.
7. My girlfriend and I have incorporated Petey Williams' "Canadian Destroyer" into our foreplay repertoire.
My loyalty and heartfelt gratitude goes out to TNA for helping me attain a higher level of self-awareness and contentment.