Nightmarish Secrets Revealed- Redux

Hola, amigos. How’s it hanging with you? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been kinda hectic around El Casa de Geek lately. Jazz dance lessons, my civil war re-enactment club, and an unsuccessful run for city council have kept this hombre’s day planner more than a little crammed. Also, I’m too drunk to write pretty much all of the time.

Anyhoo, enough about me. You’re undoubtedly here to read a very special review- and a very special review you shall receive. Let’s get right to it:

World Championship Wrestling for the Nintendo Entertainment System is a non-stop thrill ride that any true professional wrestling fan shouldn't miss.

Gritty in-ring action is the name of the game and needless to say, it can hardly be contained within the confines of this dusty, gray cartridge. Fulfill your dreams of stepping into Captain Mike Rotundo’s boots, punching and kicking your way to a shot at the WCW world title (held by an Andre the Giant looking dude with a Mexican wrestling mask). With graphics, sound, and game play that are generally adequate (by 1988 standards), I can say without a doubt that it is the second best purchase I've ever made for under a dollar at the North Portland Eagle’s swap meet (right after that talking Undertaker piggy bank).

Hmm, I wonder if set a blog record for the most parenthetical statements used in one paragraph…

Huh? What’s that now? Enough of the funny business, you say? WrestleMania XXV is less than two weeks away? I still haven’t made good on the bet that I lost at last year’s WrestleMania? Gee fellers, time sure does fly by fast. Someone should have just reminded me. Fine, time to take a deep breath and make good on the deal. Binding agreements are strictly enforced here at Arabian Facebuster and live blogging TNA’s Impact Zone for the next year is not a penalty I’m willing to endure.

First, a word or two about schadenfreude. It’s a bitch... When this whole disaster was cooked up, I couldn't have been more supportive. From my perspective, the previous year’s wager went swimmingly. I didn't win, but more importantly, I didn't lose. As Apollo Spas dutifully slogged through the literary abortion that is Joanie Laurer’s “If They Only Knew”, my thoughts turned to what sorts of other Chyna related media I’d like to see my pals suffer through. The realization that there was documented footage of Chyna and X-Pac copulating was almost too good to be true. I could hardly wait to stand on the sidewalk and guffaw as a fellow Facebuster staffer grudgingly stepped into Valentine Video’s dank Air Stream trailer to pluck a sticky VHS copy from the shelf. Well, as it turns out, I suck at predicting wrestling outcomes, the videos at Valentine Video are sticky, and the movie is every bit as repulsive as you would expect it to be. Heed these words- when the stakes involve potentially irreversible physical and emotional damage, never put all your eggs in Umaga’s basket.

“One Night in Chyna” the story of two dirt bags who like to have sex all the time. Our protagonist, X-Pac, is remarkably greasy and has a crooked wang. Our heroine, Chyna, is notable for her masculine physique and a clitoris reminiscent of a Vienna sausage. Chyna kicks off the proceedings with some sort of S&M leather whip dance. She looks hesitant and embarrassed. Not very desirable traits in a dominatrix, I suppose. X-Pac suggests that next time, perhaps a disco ball would help. The courtship continues and X-Pac struggles to remove his jeans. Steve Vai-esque guitar shredding (Barry White for the whiskey tango set) drones in the background. Chyna (apologies to the Fritzer) performs the slobber boogie on X-Pac’s bonerphone. X-Pac delivers oral pleasure to Chyna with all the conviction of George “The Animal” Steele devouring a particularly well constructed turnbuckle. This continues for what seems to be an eternity. Finally, the grainy night vision footage cuts out and we re-join the couple for more cunnilingus already in progress. The lighting is better this time- bummer. Eventually, the session progresses to full fledged bonin’ with X-Pac providing the inevitable finale.

In the name of good taste and compassion towards my fellow man, I've avoiding linking to any footage of the porn itself. I found out the hard way (pun reluctantly intended) that erectile dysfunction is no laughing matter. Those interested in understanding the degree of stomach clenching nausea I experienced can do so by watching this New Jack clip. Fucking disgusting, right? Multiply that by a thousand.

Phew. Now that we have that out of the way, we can get down to brass tacks regarding this year’s WrestleMania wagering. Supposedly, there is more of this garbage out there on the Internets. Malibu Sands even suggested that the only logical extension of the bet would be for one of us to have sex with Chyna herself. Sadly, this is a completely feasible proposition that could easily become a reality via donations to Ms. Laurer from our collective medicine cabinets. But let’s take the high road for once, shall we? I, for one, am taking an oath to preserve whatever may remain of Chyna’s self respect and dignity by by not forcing one of my friends to have sex with her for the collective yuks of our gang and associated online pervs. That’s just the kind of classy guy I am.

Instead, this year’s booby prize comes courtesy of the US Government. Seems that forcing detainees at Guantanamo Bay to listen to an endless loop of rambling by a certain leathery dirigible is a violation of the Geneva Convention. Consequently, Uncle Sam was forced to sell 3,271 cassette copies of Hulk Hogan’s autobiography (read by the man himself) at the bargain basement price of $0.01 a piece. A copy arrived in my mailbox today and shall be bestowed upon the person making the fewest correct WrestleMania predictions. A review, of course, is expected to follow. Here’s just a taste of what one of us has to look forward to: “Yeah, I’m the towering red-and-yellow warrior who revolutionized the wrestling business, the larger-than-life superhero who transformed an entire country into a horde of Hulkamaniacs ™. I’m the guy who spit blood and breathed fire to help create an empire called World Wrestling Entertainment™.” As the cover assures, “It’s the real deal, brother”. Best of luck, gents.

Oh, and one more thing… SUCK IT!

Reason #25 to Despise Hulk Hogan

This was his reaction after watching that.

Another one of the proud papa with his cherubic lil' whore can be viewed here.

Why We Watch...Exhibit I.2

I didn't realize that "Playboy" Buddy Rose had a run in the mid-1980s WWF (I was aware of his early 1980s run and more infamous late 1980s/early 1990s jobber-esque tour of duty) under the tutelage of Bobby Heenan.

Regardless, please consider the embedded clip above as nothing more than supplemental evidence to the preceding well argued and supported thesis.

Reason #13 to Despise Hulk Hogan's Sperm

Yr Old Skool Ethnic Babyface of the Week

Pedro Morales, the most decorated Puerto Rican professional wrestler in World (Wide) Wrestling Federation/Entertainment history.

The second most decorated? Possibly Savio Vega?

"This is only a Test..."

Former WWE superstar and former Stephanie McMahon's one-time fiance', Test aka "Andrew Martin" was found dead in his apartment on Friday. Seems a nosy neighbor noticed through a window that her backne riddled pro-wrestling neighbor hadn't moved in a few hours and called the cops.

Test was let go from WWE a while back due to a failure to stay well in the Wellness program, got dumped by his then girl-friend Kelly Kelly, picked up two quick Duiwee's, moved to TNA, got fired by TNA, and then started working in Japan and Europe, and then dropped dead.

I'd like to say I am shocked and stunned, but frankly, this same old story is getting samer and older every time.

Oh, and he used to date Stacey Keibler as well. Seems to me this young buck (34yrs. of age) had better memories than the stuff found mostly in our dreams. Now if only Test had done something about clearing up that backne in time....

the rev.

Ted DiBiase's Lifestyle: Rich, Famous

Compared to The Million Dollar Man, yr fame and fortune are a mere pittance, "Macho Man" Randy Savage.

Update: The jobber getting body slammed at ringside at about three minutes in is none other than former AWA Light Heavyweight Champion Buck "Rock & Roll" Zumhofe. More on him later, Facebuster nation. Much, much more.

Later Update: The heelish antics contained in this clip, taken alone, make a persuasive case that Ted DiBiase is the most devious and villainous character in the history of professional rasslin'.

Reason #1 to Admire Divorce Lawyers...

...they don't take no shit from balding pony tailed cripple Hulk Hogan and his hairpiece adorned attorney who bears a striking resemblance to beloved serial wife beater "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

Arabian Facebuster is envious of Raymond Rafool for having the opportunity to put Hulk Hogan in his place with cameras rolling...yet in awe of his ability to seize the moment and deliver a acerbic yet articulate diatribe to Hulk Hogan's face for his lack of morals, alleged unscrupulous business dealings, passive-aggressive nature throughout these divorce proceedings, and proclivity for posturing, melodrama, and putting forth wholly unfounded allegations of victimization and persecution whenever a microphone, camera, and reporter not affiliated with Arabian Facebuster Sexy Action News Team are in his wrinkly skinned vicinity.

BREAKING NEWS: There Will Soon Be Breaking News...

...in the grizzled old wrestler and disreputed slime ball wrestling company owner murders a well respected scientist who fled Nazi persecution fiasco. And Arabian Facebuster's Sexy Action News Team will be there to break down these breaking developments and empower YOU to think critically about and make sense of all of the intricacies and complexities of this Shakespearean tragedy tell you what to think about it in the most unsophisticated and abridged manner humanly possible.

Development looms today in case of man fatally beaten by Gagne

By PAUL WALSH, Star Tribune

Last update: March 12, 2009 - 10:31 AM

A significant development is looming in the case of Verne Gagne, the Minnesota wrestling legend who has been implicated in the beating death of a 97-year-old man at the Bloomington care facility where the two men resided.

A news conference for 3 p.m. today has been called in downtown Minneapolis by Hennepin County Attorney Mike Freeman. Representatives of the county medical examiner's office and Bloomington police also will be there to discuss the case.

Helmut Gutmann, 97, died Feb. 14 of complications from injuries inflicted by Gagne during the attack Jan. 26 at the memory-loss unit of Friendship Village. The medical examiner ruled the death a homicide.

Police have been investigating the death, and their report to the county attorney was expected this week.

Most observers think charges are unlikely because both Gagne, 82, and Gutmann had Alzheimer's disease, which affects judgment and memory.

A portion of the police report, revealed Tuesday in a search warrant obtained for taking photos and collecting records at Friendship Village, said that Gutmann died in an "unprovoked attack" during which he was "grabbed, shaken and thrown to the ground" by Gagne.

The warrant added that Gagne had assaulted fellow Friendship Village residents at least twice in five months before the altercation with Gutmann.

Gutmann, a widely respected scientist and musician, fled to the United States from Nazi Germany in 1936. His widow, Betty Gutmann, still lives at Friendship Village.

Gagne, who was born in Corcoran, wrestled for the former Robbinsdale High School and the University of Minnesota, where he was an NCAA champion. In 1949, he began wrestling professionally and established the Twin Cities as the nation's hub for the sport. He wrestled in and oversaw the American Wrestling Association.

Gagne played football for the Gophers in 1943, enlisted in the Marines and then returned to the U, where he was an All-America wrestler.

Deep Thought...

TNA! fears watchability.

Buried in The Wrestling Observer Tuesday update:

-- Danny Bonaduce makes his pro-wrestling debut on April 19th -- for TNA on the Lockdown PPV. Yes. TNA hasn't announced an opponent yet, but whoever it is will be in studio on March 20th for the contract signing, live on Bonaduce's radio show on 94.1 in Philadelphia. It's actually a hell of a way to get the word out locally about the show.

Verne Gagne: Habitual Senile Assaulter!

Time to treat this piece of trash like Nick Hogan and lock him up for a few months with a bunch of other pathological, malicious, ruthlessly violent savages, then swiftly release him back into the general population dressed like a garden variety whiskey tango gangsta that spends his idle time between slinging rock, busting caps in muthafuckas, rolling on 20"s, banging hoes, and pimping out said hoes after he's finished banging them up in TGI Fridays hizzouse ordering rack after rack of dried out succulent baby back ribs and heaping bowls upon bowls of hearty broccoli and cheddar soup. Yes, dear readers, this Verne Gagne story is about to get a whole lot weirder...um, I mean off the heeize for shizzle:

Search warrant: Gagne involved in previous retirement home assaults

By ABBY SIMONS, Star Tribune

March 10, 2009

Minnesota wrestling legend Verne Gagne had assaulted fellow residents at the Bloomington retirement home where he lived at least twice in five months before the altercation that led to the death of a 97-year-old man, according to a search warrant.

The search warrant, filed last week and unsealed Tuesday, is the first public document that acknowledges Gagne's involvement in the death of Helmut Gutmann. Gutmann died Feb. 14 from complications of a broken hip after an what the warrant calls an "unprovoked attack" during which Gutmann was "grabbed, shaken and thrown to the ground" by Gagne on Jan. 26 at the memory-loss unit of Friendship Village, where both men lived. The Hennepin County Medical Examiner ruled his death a homicide.

The warrant requests entrance to the area within Friendship Village where the assault occurred so that police may take photographs to display where Gagne, Gutmann and witnesses were during the incident. It also seeks prior reports made about incidents involving Gagne.

In an affidavit by Detective Ed Hanson, Bloomington police received a Vulnerable Adult Maltreatment Report stating that Gutmann was taken to Fairview Southdale Hospital after the altercation. A copy of the report was sent to the state Department of Health, Office of Health Facility Complaints. The Department of Health notified Bloomington police that there would be no investigation into the incident because Friendship Village had discharged Gagne. Police also did not look into the incident.

"There was no ongoing criminal investigation due to the nature of the complaint and the steps that had been taken to prevent further incidents regarding Mr. Gagne," according to the affidavit, which describes the assaults as "what seems to be a pattern of conduct."

Police were notified Jan. 17 that Gutmann died, and opened an active investigation into his death. Records were located within the Bloomington Police Department indicating that there were "at least" two additional incidents within the past five months "in which Vern(e) Gagne assaulted a resident of Friendship Village." The incidents were handled internally by staff at Friendship Village without police investigation, the affidavit said.

Gagne, 82, has not been charged in the death.

Yr Old Skool Ethnic Babyface of the Week

Bruno Sammartino, letting his Italian temper get the better of him, hurls a ringside chair at the cranium of Bruiser Brody.

Ric Flair's Brush with Greatness...

...takes place sometime after defeating Magnum TA via sunset flip counter and trunks hold, but before applying hydrogen peroxide to his blood stained forehead, changing into some designer threads and heading down to Rush Street pound back some cocktails and have his picks (intentionally plural) from the litter of scantily attired, the letter "A" over-enunciating, always hungry cabin fatties.

FYI, this footage is from AWA SuperClash '85, Comiskey Park, Chicago, IL, thereby explaining my pronunciation/accent dig in the preceding paragraph.

Cantankerous, Demented Old Man Update

Yup, it's murder I reckon. Reprinted without approval from the Strib:

Former pro wrestler accused in nursing home death

By STEVE KARNOWSKI , Associated Press

March 5, 2009

MINNEAPOLIS - During his glory days as a pro wrestler, Verne Gagne shared the spotlight with other burly men in trunks, guys with names like Killer Kowalski, Mad Dog Vachon, The Crusher and Baron Von Raschke.

But all of that seemed well in the past until just weeks ago, when authorities say Gagne, 82 and suffering from Alzheimer's disease, apparently body-slammed a 97-year-old fellow patient at the suburban nursing home where they both lived, causing the man's death.

Bloomington police are investigating, but not even the victim's widow wants to see the dementia-stricken Gagne prosecuted.

"It's been so hard on both families," said Greg Gagne, Gagne's son and a former wrestler himself.

Helmut Gutmann, a former cancer researcher who suffered from dementia himself, died Feb. 14, about three weeks after breaking his hip in the confrontation. Authorities ruled his death a homicide.

Police said there was no clear indication of what set Gagne off, and neither man could remember the incident afterward. Behavior and personality changes are common as Alzheimer's progresses, and victims of the mind-robbing disease can become agitated.

Like others with the disease, Gagne had all but lost his short-term memory, while his recollections of long-ago events were vivid. But whether he was suffering a flashback to his days in the ring, as some have speculated, is anybody's guess.

Police said they plan to forward the case to prosecutors by the end of the week for possible charges. Gagne, who has since turned 83, has been moved to another institution.

Joseph Daly, a former prosecutor who is now a professor at Hamline University Law School in St. Paul, said he doubts Gagne will be charged. State law prohibits prosecuting anyone who is too mentally deficient to understand the proceedings or offer a defense. Daly said that would appear to apply to Gagne.

"It's a tragedy for the man who was killed, it's a tragedy for the man's family, but it's equally a tragedy for the family of Verne Gagne," said Daly, who has warm memories of Gagne from his youth.

In the ring, Gagne (pronounced GAHN-yuh) drew on his background as a college wrestling champion in the 1940s, and typically finished off opponents with his trademark "sleeper hold" — a headlock that appeared to make the beaten man pass out.

Gutmann's widow, Betty Gutmann, said she was told by residents and staff members at the nursing home that Gagne picked her husband up and threw him to the ground. She said that they had had one scuffle before, when her husband had been shouting at other residents and Gagne put a chokehold on him. Gutmann wasn't hurt in that incident.

But Betty Gutmann is not blaming Gagne, saying he didn't know what he was doing.

She said most Alzheimer's victims are old and frail, and when they lash out, they don't usually cause much harm. The difference with Gagne is that "he was a professional athlete and was trained to do certain moves. This is what makes him much more dangerous than the ordinary person" with dementia.

Helmut Gutmann fled Nazi Germany in 1936, became a U.S. citizen and joined the Army, where he worked to try to develop an antidote for mustard gas, among other projects, according to his family. He spent 40 years as a cancer researcher at a veterans hospital in Minneapolis.

The company that runs the nursing home refused to comment, citing federal privacy laws.

Gagne was the founder and owner of the American Wrestling Association and wore its championship belt. In the 1960s and '70s, his "All-Star Wrestling" was a TV sensation. The show was a modest affair, taped before small audiences at various Minneapolis TV stations. But it was syndicated on up to 120 channels across the Midwest and as far away as San Francisco, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Salt Lake City and Winnipeg, Canada.

He mostly stopped wrestling in 1981 but remained active in the business. He trained more than 140 wrestlers from the late 1950s up until 1990, including Blackjack Lanza, Larry "The Axe" Hennig, The Iron Sheik, Sgt. Slaughter and Jesse "The Body" Ventura, who later became governor of Minnesota.

Times turned tough for Gagne in the early 1980s with the rise of the glitzier World Wrestling Federation (now World Wrestling Entertainment), which went national on cable TV. Vince McMahon's WWF lured away the AWA's flashiest star at the time, Hulk Hogan, and other fan favorites, Greg Gagne recalled. The AWA, founded in 1960, folded in 1991.

In the 1990s, Hennepin County took Verne Gagne's 58 acres and home on Lake Minnetonka for a park, paying him only a fraction of what the family thought it was worth, Greg Gagne said. By the time that fight was over and the bills were paid, he said, his parents had little money left.

Another blow came three years ago when Gagne was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the Mayo Clinic, his son said.

"His short-term memory is not there," Greg Gagne said. "But we were up there the other day, and if you talk about his first-grade teacher he can discuss that." He said his father also reminisces about his days as a wrestler and football player at the University of Minnesota.

Daly, the law professor, counts himself among the many saddened by what happened at the nursing home. He fondly recalled a day when he was a teenager working at a local drug store and Gagne came in and struck up a conversation.

"Here he was, talking to a teenager about wrestling, about sports, about life," Daly said. "I remember thinking, `Wow, what a nice person.'"

Why We Watch, Exhibit P

Boys and girls, it's time for some rasslin' related positivism delivered with Arabian Facebuster's trademark astuteness, sporadic authenticity, selective and often warped sense of history, jaded markishness, and mid-morning elevated blood-alcohol level. That's right fans, not unlike the visually stunning, druid abundant, and pyrotechnic excessive return of The Undertaker every time he takes six months off to heal his body and chauffeur his wife Sara Undertaker to the mall for one exorbitant shopping spree after another, yours truly Malibu Sands is resurrecting the dormant "Why We Watch..." series/blog bit, highlighting the proverbial cream of the professional rasslin' crop.

Over the past couple of years, Arabian Facebuster has chastised WWE mouthpiece/shill Good Ol' JR for his barbecue sauce peddling, cowboy hat wearing, hoss admiring, Jezebel accusing, car collision rubbernecking [insert number of local town's major thoroughfare here] ways.

And justifiably so.

With that said, Jim Ross circa mid-1980s-mid 1990s -- as opposed to the Good Ol' JR character of the past decade -- in my opinion is the finest play-by-play announcer in the history THE professional rasslin'...although I readily admit that I have had a bit less exposure to the likes of Lance Russell or Larry Matysik to make a fully informed comparison and that I tend to (unfairly) view Gordon Solie as more of a cultural artifact of the 1970s-mid-1980s southern based territory system. Jim Ross' ability to properly call the action, tell and advance storyline, put over the talent, AND convey raw and seemingly genuine/unscripted emotion is both singular and sorely lacking in the contemporary, mainstream product and fan base (I am not going to get into the "chicken and egg" nature of this situation at the moment). Like Solie, Jim Ross' roots are in and approach to his craft are a product of the southern based territory system. Unlike Solie, I would contend he was largely responsible for nationalizing this style and making it mainstream through his late 1980s/early 1990s work in the National Wrestling Alliance and later World Championship Wrestling (i.e the Double U See Double U).

Obviously the bell's palsy and prolonged exposure to the disheartening sports entertainment orientation with regard to storyline, character, and in-ring product have taken their toll on his capacities and sapped much of his passion. But I think the brief clip above of certified hoss Dr. Death Steve Williams taking on the Tulsa Welding School's most renowned graduate Captain Redneck Dick Murdoch in the Universal Wrestling Federation circa late Spring/early Summer 1987 and featuring run-ins by Big Bossman/Bubba Rogers, anti-honky tonkin' crusader Skandor Akbar, "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert, and the giggly breasts of "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes narrated by Ross embodies the man's inimitable play-by-play style and approach and captures what makes him such a compelling, entertaining, and endearing figure.

Enjoy.

Don West: Been to Mike Tenay's House Several Times

Here at Arabian Facebuster, we regard having to endure the episodic wacky shenanigans, predictably unpredictable, completely pointless, and quickly forgotten storyline twists, turns, and drivel, and manically paced, overbooked, flippity floppity and/or garbagey matches of the Total Nonstop Action! promotion commensurate to sitting through a reading of the complete works of that extreme (ly pedantic, har har) poet laureate Jeff Hardy, politely enduring the demented jibber jabber of a shaggy haired, easily excitable, inebriated stranger at the local booze emporium who does not answer to the name "Hairy" Larry Nelson, having to actually pay for our own Macanudo cigars, or recapping six weeks worth of the Titanic of sports entrainment otherwise known as ECW on Sci Fi with Mike Adamle at the rudder -- tedious, wretched, painfully disturbing, and at-times self-harm inducing. In fact, for many of us in the Facebuster nation, these have become activities that we actually find preferable to watching TNA!.

In order to prove my point and steadfastly defend this line of the reasoning, I submit for your consideration the clip above i.e. Exhibit A: the flimsily based/motivated and no doubt hastily conceived on-air dissolution of the friendship and professional working relationship between Mike Tenay and Don West, the latter becoming agitated at, contemptuous towards, and turning heel on the former for (a) selling him out to TNA! management by not actually selling him out to TNA! management and sitting in silence instead of letting the company's braintrust know how incompetent, unintelligent, unprepared and easily rattled his broadcast partner actually is; (b) an alleged longstanding clandestine yearning to pull down Sting's pants and kiss his ass (and, presumably, since he's already down there, Sting's shriveled, shrunken, droopy beanbag); and (c) some combination thereof.

Enjoy.

Yr Old Skool Ethnic Babyface of the Week

Ivan Putski, who allegedly put the "pow" in "Polish Power," doing his best Popeye The Sailor Man impression.

"A Special Birthday Call. From the Darkside..."