Arabian Facebuster

2011-05-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

Yr More or Less 1- Week Before WrassleMania 27 Live RAW Blogging Update

2011-03-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

(also "The Night Where Lots Of Pointing At A Banner That Looks A Lot Like That Happened")

Your opener tonight is footage from last week's RAW. Okay. Looks like CM PUNK was menacing Randall K. Orton's wife last week. (seriously? initials R-K-O? seriously.) She is in a large tour bus, no sign of a gym bag anywhere, and she's screaming a lot while CM PUNK looks at her somewhat menacingly. (Funny thing is, this is most certainly NOT the same pair of milk-bags that played Mrs. R.K.O. couple of years ago when WWE ran a HHH/ RANDY K. ORTON half-baked home invasion angle).

When an injured-legged ORTON makes the ring CM PUNK promptly no sells some of Randall's shit and since we are in CHICAGO tonight, PUNK's finisher The "GoToSleep" is cheered mercilessly as it is applied to our alleged face's face, RANDALL K. ORTON. Yea? Boo. Yea, Boo, Yea, Boo?! The waters, they be muddied!

CM PUNK vs. RANDY K. ORTON: MR. RKO will prevail at WM27.

EDGE and CHRISTIAN. Together Again! TONIGHT its the 1st. time in 6 years they are teaming up.! And its next!!!
Yea?

Meh.
E & C walk the ramp to their respective entrance themes and pew-pew-pyro and their opponents tonight are some Rich Mexican Dude and a Fat Ethnic Guy.

EDGE pins the F.E.G. and Rich Mexican dude runs away. Then he's back. And then he's hurting Edge. And then we go to a commercial.

EDGE vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: EDGE. But X-Tian will turn on him.

Snooki! Next!! Its Snookie and She's SNOOKI Next!!! Snooki!!

And it is SNOOKI! A video graphic of SNOOKI, really. And the video graphic of SNOOKI, is standing next to video graphic TRISH STRATUS & also video graphic JOHN MORRUSSON and they will be meeting some video graphics that sneer and are called LAY/McCOOLDERTAKER with a DOLPH DIGGLER and the VIKI G. But please just forget about MORRUSSON, cause he nearly stole the show at this year's LeROYALE RUMBLE with his PARKOUR (look it up, dumbass) and because this is really just a vehicle to get 'ol Widow Guerrero pinned under the ample thighs of the SNOOKI @ WM27 whilst the dumbass CROWD GOES WILLD! (2 ll's for emphasis, not as in a "Y" sound like as in "Allende" (Ahh-Yenn-Deh).

In a surreal bit, the WWE Champion The Miz is purposely turning the attitudinal "W" on the Spinner WWE Championship Belt upside-down as an "M" for his name: The Miz. ( +1 for the Microchip? )

Eghads, what's this? Sma'Down's THE CORRE? You mean The CORRE, formerly known as The NEXXUS, formerly of The NXT? (don't ask). Basically, its four guys you don't know. A Britt, a South African, a Red-Headed Southern Boy and a Big Black Guy. Sounds like a joke some where in there about them all walking into a bar. But they don't. They job to Santino.

THE CORRRE vs. TheBIGSHEW & OMG ITS KANE: OMG KANE and BGSHEW were dancing for Santino's victory tonight, so I predict more dancing next Sunday. And for Many Moons to come as well.After all, O.M.G. its KANE! And he's DANCING!

BONG! BONG! BONG! ITS THE DEMON! No, not the yard long glass monstrosity of Basement's past, but the UNDERTAKER, brought to you by a Johnny' Cash song. I get it, the Dead Man is being serenaded to the ring by a DEAD MAN! *WHOOOSH!*flame pyro. *WHOOSH!* blue lights. Wha- no Druids?!

Oh no he di'n't! Oh. Yes. He. Did! ITSAHHHHLLLLABOUTDAAGAAAAAAAME!!!! And so now we have dueling entrances between the Phenom and the GAME. These guys have spent more time staring at each other in the ring in the past two weeks than they have been in action in it for the past year....

YOU THINK I"M CUTE *crowd totally gushes like smitten little girls* YA KNOW I'M SEXXAY!" *Now I'm squealing*. Shawn God Damn Michaels is here! And we're going to 'da WAR ZONE....

Yaddah-yaddah "Eighteen-and- Ohh". Boogidy -boo "Mister Wrestle Mania". Blabbity blabbity-Blah Blah "Mutual Respect". HBK tries to Sweet Chin Music the GrungerTaker, but big, mean, Mark grabs his leg and has him in the choke slam choke stage when HHH pushes him aside and goes nose to nose with the UT. Shawn skulks away, up the ramp, skulkingly saying "I'm Sorry" to Ayetch, but strangely not mouthing the words "I Love You"... ! Draaa- Mmaa !

WRESTLETAKER vs. MR. STEPHANIE THE GAME LEVESQUE (NO DQ's): 19-0.

Michael Cole is Bad now. And Jerry Lawler is Mad now. They're gonna have a match this Sunday at WrestleMania and its perhaps the only feud on the card more than two weeks old. Uh-huh. And BOTTOM LINE is gonna be the Special Guest Referee. Yes, you heard me right. BOTTOM LINE of BOTTOM LINE fame will spill beer, flip the bird and tug on his own striped referee shirt a couple a times for a nice fatty WMania five- to- six-figure check. Who the fuck cares.

JERRY LAWLER vs MICHAEL COLE w/ JACK SWAGGER w/ SPECIAL REFEREE STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN: Jerry Lawler FINALLY get his "WrestleMania Moment" (like he ever fucking deserved it in the first place).

Tonight, on the Endless Night of Dueling Entrances: DOLPH DIGGLERSON vs. SHAMUSSON vs. DANIELSONBRYANSON vs. MORRESSUN vs. COMMERCIALS.

After Commercials spends a full two and a half minutes in an un-answered onlsaught of offense, we see that this is a tag-match. And, its, done. SHAMUSSON pins BRYANSON.

US TITLE MATCH- SHAMUS(c) vs. DANIEL BRYAN: Dunno. Don't Care. And That's Just Sad. In a pinch, I pick SHAMUS. Cause we all know DANIEL BRYAN is on to bigger and better things, right? Right? Hello? Is anybody home? Hel--oooo? Huh, that's funny. Something must have cut the power. And the phone's not working either. That's strange. Maybe I should go into this darkened basement and just check the fuse box, or maybe I should go upstairs and check on the baby.... Hmm, I can't decide. Oh well, I'm sure its just the wind...

Safety Break. 'scuse me a minute.

In Memoriam: Bar Fights with BRADSHAW, FAROOQ-FARROQ - IS- ON- FIRE and whomever else. Tonight, WWE's bottle tipping to pour some out homage to those bygone barfight days is SNOOKI & TRISH WTF IS SHE DOING HERE STRATUS in some bar with some dude and some tag team called LAY/McCOOL-McTAKER. Brief amount of screaming/ hair pulling/ the sound of Trish's pro- wrestling legacy groaning like Two Fat Twins dismounting their Motorcycles... ahhhnd its done. (Yup, SNOOKI is stradling Lay and/or/either McCool/ McTaker. Told 'ya, bitches.)

JOHN MORRISON with TRISH STRATUS and SNOOKI vs. DOLPH DIGGLER with LAYLA & MICHELLE McCOOL & VIKKI GUERRERO: Team Jo-Mo Tri- Strat-Ooki FTW. The Semblance of Reason is the real loser in this one, fans.

THE ROCK. Ahhhnd suddenly its NineteenNinetyNine again. No. No it is not. But finally he has come back to CHICAGO. It was THE ROCK'S 1st Mania "IN THIS VERY BUILDING". Was it? WikiPedia can always be perfectly & totally trusted in matters such as this and this alone... I'll Fac-Check letter. (Fac-Check cause it doesn't need to be to a "t").

Hmmm. ROCK promises to stick things in CENA's ass. We will see ROCK. We will See.

WRESTLEMANIA 27 MAIN EVENT: THE ROCK!!! JOHN CEENAH!!!
oh. and some wwe champion. somehow. maybe. somewhere or something. something something... but THE ROCK!

JOHN CEENAH!!

THE ROCK!!! JOHN CENA!!!! And its now :13 past the hour. What the hell are they thinking? That by way of a ten minute overrun of their normal broadcast timeslot their gonna be able to pepper this turkey? pinch this pimple? squeeze this charmin? No. No they did not.

but they did manage to point at that sign a few more times.

Yr Belated Bonus Old Skool Foto of the Week (WWF/E Edition)

2011-01-31T19:53:00.001-08:00

F-5! F-5!! F-5!!! Oh, sweet salvation!

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (WWF Edition)

2011-01-31T19:47:00.000-08:00

The Camel Clutching of Hulk Hogan, Part II. Sigh, if only I could find a photo of the Sarge slapping this devestating submission/rest hold on washed out string bean Greg Gagne.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (WWF Edition)

2011-01-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

The pummeling of Hulk Hogan continues, courtesy of The Iron Sheik.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (WWF Edition)

2011-01-11T16:23:00.000-08:00

Hulk Hogan cries like a sunburned school girl -- presumably because Andre The Giant ripped the shirt off his chest and cross off his neck out of frustration from Hogan ducking him and refusing to give him an opportunity to rassle for the WWF Heavyweight Title for several years -- while Roddy Piper checks his hand for snortable cocaine residue. January, 1987.

State of the Facebuster Nation, Ctd

2011-01-03T17:20:00.000-08:00

Facebuster Status Update:

The real world (READ: My new job...that's right I have departed Tully Blanchard Enterprises Incorporated for more lucrative and certainly greener pastures...say hello to Buck Rock and/or Roll Zumhofe's RocknRollWrestling's Director of Constituent Relations) has been kicking my ass, leaving no time to do what I do best...take umbrage with and and every desperate Hulk Hogan attention seeking/self-promoting shenanigan and upload clips of Jimmy Valiant, The American Starship, and the superstars of the IPW.

But I'm getting back into getting back into getting back into you, Facebuster Nation. The demise of Arabian Facebuster is thus being postponed. We're going out with a Cactus Jack bang bang, not a Mick Foley whimper whimper. Fresh rassle-rassle content is coming oh so very soon...not unlike Rev Von Fury TV!!!

We're choosing to bow on the biggest stage like our idols Flair and HBK...Wrestle Mania, 2011 edition. And unlike Flair, we won't be crawling back for yr adulation completely broken down under the auspices of nostalgia or one more mediocre run for old times sake.

Or will we?

Besides a couple of you still need to make payment arrangements on yr outstanding, Stakes Is High debts.

Thanks for your continued support and readership.

-Malibu

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (WWF Edition)

2011-01-03T17:13:00.001-08:00

Explanation #1: King Kong Bundy puts the kibosh on Hulk Hogan's back and ribs as the Magnificent Muraco holds down the supposedly irresistible force that are the 24" pythons with ease.

Explanation #2: King Kong Bundy makes prison whoopee to Hulk Hogan as The Magnificent Muraco patiently waits his turn.

Saturday Night's Main Event. Phoenix, AZ. Circa January-February, 1986.

"My Back, My Back" a.k.a.- "Get a Doctor"

2010-12-29T08:54:00.000-08:00

BREAKING NEWS: I Was Afraid This Was Going to Happen...

2010-12-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

The Hulkster is going to wed short time girlfriend and longtime Brooke Hogan look alike Jennifer McDaniel at sundown this evening. She's the meat in the Hogan super-sized stupid sandwich in the picture above.

That leaves Arabian Facebuster no option...in the next 45 minutes, we must find a way to (a) keep the sun high in the sky in perpetuity; or (b) destroy the Hogan compound; (c) destroy the town of Clearwater, Florida in which the Hogan compound is located; or (d) just go ahead and destroy the entire state of Florida.

Sigh, at this 11th hour, I suspect option A might be the most feasible.

Please also file this post under Reason #33 to Despise Hulk Hogan.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (NWA Edition)

2010-11-30T16:02:00.001-08:00

Tully, Horse Face, Naitch...circa 1985/86

The Destruction of Randy Hogan, Ctd

2010-11-24T14:01:00.000-08:00

Abdullah The Butcher's physical dissection of Randy Hogan is:
(a) Pure catharsis.
(b) Unfortunate in so far as it's not Hulk Hogan on the receiving end.
(c) Gratifying in so far as that Randy Hogan stayed down on the canvas instead of "Hulking up" and delivering some feeble looking and/or ill-timed blows.
(d) Disappointing. The match needed more fork shots to Hogan's follically barren skull.
(e) Meh. I much preferred watching him get taken apart at the hands of NOT ONE BUT TWO great big fatsos.

Be sure to mark your answer completely. Like this.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (WWWF Edition)

2010-11-24T06:55:00.000-08:00

George "The Animal" Steele and the fashion plate "Classy" Freddie Blassie.

A Revealing Friday Night Videos...

2010-11-19T12:50:00.001-08:00

Facebuster Nation: I have confession and revelation of the shocking variety to make. After last Friday night's inexcusable drubbing and at the hands of Bull Fernandez and Rick Rude, neither Randy or Bill Mulkey can no longer be considered my favorite professional rasslin' jobber. Rather, that awesome honor is now bestowed on one RANDY HOGAN, more for his mockery of Hulk Hogan what with his chromed dome and blond crop duster mustache than for his actual selling and bump and punishment taking abilities.

Hogan's tag team partner -- a piece of dirty, dirty white trash that goes by the name Keith Steinborn -- is no slouch either when it comes to bearing a striking resemblance to other grapplers (think: Dutch Mantell) or putting over the offensive arsenal of the opponents: An ebony and ivory great big fatso tag team combination called The Commandos. Jim Ross and Bob Caudle narrate the action, which took place on the NWA's syndicated Pro Wrestling program circa late 1988/early 1989.

I must admit that I do not remember The Commandos, they must have had just a 2 to 3 week run with the promotion, possibly to fill out The Bunkhouse Stampede battle royal roster. After watching them compete, I think you'll agree the NWA brain trust was wise to cut bait.

Before you click play, be forewarned: Minus a very famous Randy Savage-Hulk Hogan spot executed to perfection by Ebony Commando-Randy Hogan at the 2 minute mark and the finishing splash of racial harmony, the rather plodding, repetitive, and unexciting nature of The Commandos makes this 3 minute squash feel a bit tedious. Therefore, this clip is best watched in the illustrious Friday Night Videos tradition...inebriated beyond any capacity for rational thought, sound judgment, even temperament, or complete and coherent sentence formation with a ravenous cabin fatty ~~at yr side~~ smothering yr style and engulfing yr space.

Christmas Gift Suggestion for Malibu Sands

2010-11-19T11:34:00.000-08:00

No, not the Von Erich game; I want membership in "The Good Time Gang."

I'd also take that "The Good Time Gang" banner. Or the head of that smarmy announcer on a silver platter.

Reason #62 to Despise Hulk Hogan

2010-11-19T10:37:00.000-08:00

Why does Hulk Hogan have such an insatiable appetite to scam, fleece, and gouge the consumer?!? First, he spends years stinking up the ring and silver screen and, in the process, lining his pockets with our hard earned dollars outlaid in pay per views and tickets. Then, he touts the easy money, unfavorable terms, high interest and penalties business model of 1800loanmart.com Next, after months of legal wrangling, he finally settles his frivolous Cocoa Smashdown lawsuit, compelling Post to raise prices on all of its cereals in order to compensate for the lost earnings.

The Hulkster's latest swindle: Extolling the virtues of Rent-A-Center and its corporate philosophy of having consumers pay a ridiculously inflated markup for the privilege of renting a television, computer, or kitchen appliance with the possibility of taking ownership of said item, at the very point when either its warranty expires or has become obsolete. Oh Brother, indeed!

One thing I don't understand: Why is Rent-A-Center advertising renting to own a TV? Chances are, if you need to rent a TV, you don't have a TV, which means you wouldn't see the commercial in the first place?!?

Just an observation.

Please also file this post under Reason #17 to Despise Troy Aikman.

God Dammit...

2010-11-15T14:53:00.000-08:00

Quoth The Strib:

The sexual misconduct trial of a former Cretin-Derham Hall teacher has been postponed until Feb. 7 because of a scheduling conflict.

Gail Gagne's trial was to start Tuesday with jury questioning in front of Hennepin County District Court Judge Richard Scherer. But Scherer was still presiding over a trial he started last week that ran longer than expected. Because of other scheduling conflicts, Scherer won't be able to hear the Gagne case until next year.

Gagne is accused of two counts of third-degree criminal sexual misconduct. The criminal complaint alleges that in the summer of 2008, when she was 25 and a weight room supervisor at the St. Paul Catholic school , she had sex with a 16-year-old student on two occasions.

Gagne, formerly of Bloomington, became a teacher at the school that fall, but has since left. She is the daughter of pro wrestler Greg Gagne and the granddaughter of Verne Gagne.

Rasslin' in Prior Lake Foto Recap

2010-11-15T10:17:00.000-08:00

Local drunk #18 shows off his handlebar mustache, koozie, and beer gut.

The Black Stallion vs. El Bano aka Some Black Guy vs. The Bathroom for the prestigious IWA World Heavyweight Title, which just so happens to be a replica WWF Title belt.

Playboy Pete Huge vs. Horace The Psychopath in a Prior Lake Streetfight…not to be confused with an Empty Arena Match.

Post show drinkin’ and minglin’: The Intelligent, Sensational Malibu Sands & Horace The Psychopath.

Weight Room Gate Update

2010-11-15T09:41:00.000-08:00

Bang the gavel there judge, and let's finally get the TRIAL OF THE CENTURY underway. Courtsey of The Star Tribune:

A marquee judicial match comes this week with the sexual misconduct trial of a former teacher and weight-room supervisor at Cretin-Derham Hall High School.

The Hennepin County District Court case, expected to start with jury questioning Tuesday, pits a former star football player against the former teacher, Gail Gagne.

The charges allege that Gagne, then 25, had sex on a couple of occasions with the then-16-year-old student she supervised on a work-study program in the school's weight room during the summer of 2008.

Text messages and explicit photographs could be part of the case, although neither side has spoken publicly about the details.

One mystery may be cleared up: Charges weren't filed against Gagne until 2009, a time lapse that hasn't yet been explained. Nor has a witness list yet been submitted to Hennepin County District Judge Richard Scherer.

But the case won't lack for star power.

The lawyers on the case are skilled and experienced litigators. Assistant Hennepin County Attorney Judith Hawley is a veteran of high-profile cases who doesn't sweat a hard fight. She prosecuted former Minnesota Vikings' player Carl Eller for a 2008 fight with two police officers in his garage.

Representing Gagne is defense lawyer Earl Gray, usually described as flamboyant and always capable of Hollywood-style courtroom drama.

Gagne, formerly of Bloomington, comes from a famous Minnesota professional wrestling dynasty: Her father is Greg Gagne and her grandfather the legendary Vern Gagne.

She faces two counts of third-degree criminal sexual conduct. She was hired by the school in November 2007 as an assistant basketball coach and worked as a substitute teacher from January through September 2008. She was then hired as a full-time teacher.

If Gagne is convicted, she will have to register as a predatory offender. But Gray said she wouldn't face prison, since she has a clean criminal history.
Neither Gray nor Hawley would comment on the upcoming trial. Scherer's file on the case is unusually slim; other than the charges, there is only a request from Gray for evidence from prosecutors.

One thing's for certain: Verne Gagne will surely kill again if he's allowed into the court room to confusedly and agitatedly observe the proceedings.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (World Class Edition)

2010-11-15T09:30:00.000-08:00

Kevin, David, Fritz, and Kerry Von Erich

A Very Special Friday Night Videos...

2010-11-12T09:22:00.000-08:00

Break out the Riunite and Macanudo's and call up the podgiest of cabin fatty in yr black book of corpulence! For Randy Mulkey and Bill Mulkey collectively known the world over as THE MULKEY BROTHERS have finally earned their shot to compete for the NWA World Tag Team Titles against champs "Ravishing" Rick Rude and "The Ragin' Bull" Manny Fernandez managed by Boogie Woogie Man thorn-in-side #1 Paul Jones!!! This is a main event match in any arena in the country, but those simpletons at the National Wrestling Alliance are giving the shit away for free on their weekly syndicated NWA Pro Wrestling program!

The brothers Mulkey have shaken off that crushing and resounding defeat at the hands of The Road Warriors. They've applied the lessons learned from that match against the awesome Gladiators. They've realized that working together as a well oiled, matching purple trunked unit is much more productive and lucrative than going at it alone. This is the opportunity they have worked so hard for their entire lives. And they are primed to seize the moment.

I suspect that the team with the better stamina and cardiovascular conditioning will wind up prevailing as this contest is bound to go for 15 or 20 minutes and feature plenty of hard-hitting, back & forth action. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this classic encounter between the proverbial irresistible force and immovable object.

Oh shit balls. My bad. Better put the Riunite back in the wine rack, cigar in the humidor, and cabin fatty at the kitchen table.

Reason #19 to Despise Hulk Hogan

2010-11-12T08:11:00.000-08:00

He's got his own "reality special" on A&E, Finding Hulk Hogan, set to premiere on Wednesday November 17. And we've got the press release to unfortunately prove it..

Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, has been world-famous for almost thirty years. From the fan frenzy of Hulkamania all the way through to the tabloid-driven fascination with his family, Hulk has lived his entire adult life in the public eye. Losing nearly everything in the aftermath of his divorce, a pending lawsuit from his son's tragic car accident, and a body riddled with injuries from years in the ring, Hogan must now start over at a time when he thought he would be happily settled into his retirement. Emotional, and completely honest, "Finding Hulk Hogan" tells his side of the story -- and gives viewers a Hulk Hogan they've never seen before.

The one-hour special premieres Wednesday, November 17 at 10PM ET/PT. Weaving together verite footage, Hogan gives fans a stark glimpse at his entire life, including his darkest moments of depression, thoughts of suicide, alcohol and prescription pill abuse, his broken marriage, losing his entire fortune, deciding to return to Totally Nonstop Action (TNA) wrestling despite severe medical warnings, making amends with his children, finding God and committing to his girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel. Candid interviews with Hogan and the people in his life help chronicle the ups and downs and round out the story of a man who is trying to rebuild the pieces of his empire and move forward with his life.
"Finding Hulk Hogan" is produced by Bischoff Hervey Entertainment. Eric Bischoff, Jason Hervey and Terry Bollea are the Executive Producers. A&E Executive Producers are Robert Sharenow and Andy Berg.

A few rhetorical rejoinders to these paragraphs filled with the predictable bromides, platitudes, and empty promises of transformation and triumph in the face of tribulation and adversity. (1) To what extent was this "tabloid driven fascination" with the Hulkster and his lamentable family self created, perpetuated, and sought? (2) Leave it to Hogan's I'm sure poorly compensated wordsmiths to deflect any culpability for the auto accident that left Nick's former partner in reckless driving crime Johan Graziano in a vegetative state while not so stealthily altering the focal point of sympathy for the ordeal away from John and onto Nick. (3) A "completely honest" Hulk Hogan? I guess the press release is right, this truly is a Hogan that we've never seen before! (4) Thoughts of Suicide!?!? You mean to tell me we were closer to Hogan Family Death Pool closure than we imagined!?!? (5) Man Bites Dog: Is anybody surprised that this is a Hogan-Hervey-Bischoff orchestrated and funded special?

And the obligatory concise previews and reviews from our finest television critics and pundits are starting to trickle in. Their assessment...Not good. Ink stained wretch John Griffiths of West Coast vacation trashy mag staple US Weekly offers his voyeuristic and gossipmongering readership this blurb:

Wrestler turned reality fixture Hulk Hogan opens up about his divorce, money woes and bout with depression in a tell-all special. Don’t fret: He soon finds God and a career as an exec for TNA Wrestling. Considering his stature in pop culture, this effort could have been a bit more insightful and less self-promotional (italics, Malibu's).

Do yr research Griffiths!!! Hulk Hogan is incapable of (a) serious insight; (b) brutally honest introspection; or (c) participating in any project or endeavor that does not entail shameless self-promotion and the reinforcement his grandiose delusions of pop cultural significance and mass adornment.

Griffiths' critique is therefore baseless and unfulfillable, yet still feeds the fairly tale of exaltation that Hogan and his lemmings have fashioned.

Sigh. Some days it feels like Arabian Facebuster is the only enterprise in the whole damn (WWE) universe articulating and substantiating these unassailable aforementioned Hulk Hogan facts, vetting all of his insufferable bullshit, and taking on his narcissistic tendencies and sensibilities with contempt, malice, antagonism, animosity, audaciousness, and valor.

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

BREAKING NEWS: Reason #10 to Despise Hulk Hogan

2010-11-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

Arabian Facebuster is not the only veracious and impartial entity paying attention to the Hulkster's comings, goings, and doings. As it turns out, TMZ has also taken a shining to the Hulkster's assorted exposure seeking escapades and is reporting that the our favorite orange hued dirigible has applied for the wedding license needed to marry Daddy's Daughter spitting image, the plastic fantastic and silicon funbags endowed Jennifer McDaniel.

Marriage requires enormous commitment, sacrifice, and compromise. So hopefully Brooke won't suffer feelings of abandonment, estrangement, or dejection now that her father won't have the time to give her scantily covered lady parts their usual ogling or meticulous fondling.

The license is good for 60 days; it is expires on January 11, 2011. There are 51 days left until Arabian Facebuster's demise; we expire on December 31, 2010.

So do yr worst, Hulkster.

Do yr worst.

Bear Witness

2010-11-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

Arabian Facebuster jumped the stark when:

(a) The WWE disregarded their demands for a bigger, gayer version of the Viscera character.
(b) Hulk Hogan no longer needed their assistance in revealing and validating his egomaniacal, shameless albeit shameful self-promoting, sleazy, and serpentine like nature.
(c) Randy Orton ceased evacuating his stool in objects other than a toilet bowl.
(d) Buck Zumhofe attempted to hang himself with the clip on tie they mailed to him; the very tie that was the Facebuster's only hope of gaining YouToo eminence and notoriety.
(e) Malibu Sands was the only regular/ongoing blog contributor remaining.
(f) The Undertaker stopped calling.

(g) They uploaded a clip of Tracy Smothers wrestling a grizzly bear to a time limit draw with Gordon Solie delivering a monologue of the loquacious variety about the bear species' innate acumen for executing rasslin' holds and thirst for competition.

I vote for choice "F."

11th Hour Entry

2010-11-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

Although our search for the next World's Worst Worker is winding down, last minute enteries into this sweepstakes of atrociousness and talentlessness abound.

The latest nomination: Any and all six-man tag team contest where The American Starship spend the bulk of the match on the apron, apply only their vice like headlock maneuver during their brief tenure in the ring, defer to great big fatsos like The Assassin Number 1, The Super Assassin, and Zambouie Express members Kareem Muhammad and Elijah Akeem to carry the action, and leave the crowd in a decidedly non-electric or frenzied state. David Crockett's rather flat affect and lack of amazement, preoccupation, and infatuation with the raw power, chiseled physiques, and tandem shirtlessness of Eagle and Coyote tells the story.

We'll be announcing our winner next week in a contrived, self-congratulatory 60 minute video special entitled THE DECISION. To paraphrase David Crockett in giddier and bi-curious times, we hope that you WATCH IT!!!!

This Saturday...

2010-11-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

...yours truly...

...Malibu Sands...

is going to...RASSLIN!!!...

...Cheering Rocky Mountain Thunder as he scuffles barefoot without pain, that's RASSLIN...Listening to Glen Goza as he butchers the refrain, that's RASSLIN...Watching Marty Jannetty flush his career down the drain, that's RASSLIN...Hanging with Gino Hernandez as snorts a sugar bowl full of cocaine, that's RASSLIN...

...R-A-S-S-L-I-N that's RASSLIN!

LIVE this Saturday night...The superstars of the IWA! Including but most certainly not limited to something called "7 Feet of Sexy" Patrick Lomax!?!? In a venue dubiously named "The Basement Bar" in downtown Prior Lake, MN!!! That's right, yrs truly Malibu Sands along with one Vixie Viscosinator will be donning our respective Schmidt's Beer and John Deere hats to commemorate this ideal occasion for drinking oneself into a delirious stupor and slurring sentiments at our fellow bar patrons best left unslurred.

And this most gawkable Arabian Facebuster Sexy Action News Team (Senior) Correspondent has got you covered, Facebuster Nation. For I'll be providing live, streaming, and an arguably steaming pile of coverage of all of the audibly called and/or blown spots, unimaginative gimmicks, overbooked shenanigans, paint by numbers attempts to generate a semblance of crowd heat/interest, dirtball fan antics, and evening beer specials via my twitter feed.

So on Saturday night, follow my shit. It behooves you.

For I'm going to RASSLIN...R-A-S-S-L-I-N that's RASSLIN...

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (Japan Edition)

2010-11-08T10:15:00.001-08:00

Nick Bockwinkel and Harley Race. Bonus picture of Kamala unleashing a blood curdling howl in the bottom left corner.

Friday Night Videos: Back in the Saddle Again

2010-11-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

After about 30 seconds of research and planning, I have decided to bring Friday Night Videos back into the Arabian Facebuster fold for the month of November.

I apologize for springing this on you without warning and realize that you might be a case of cheap beer, stack of Bu$ted Papers, and 100 stones of cabin fatty short for maximum rasslin' enjoyment.

For this week, try to make the best out of it.

The snow on the ground notwithstanding, this action likely emanates from the southeastern United States sometime in the mid-to-late 1980s. The promotion: Possibly the ICW; not to be confused with the IPW. The match: "The Universal Heartthrob" Austin Idol, whose lack of presence and inclusion in this Arabian Facebuster Project speaks more to my negligence than to his worthiness as a catalyst for compelling blog fodder, taking on tireless public library advocate and anti-teenage drinking crusader Ox Baker.

The wrestling itself is in the World's Worst Worker pantheon of sloppiness and fakery, more so due to Baker's deteriorating health, expanding waistline, lethargic movement, and geriatric status than the talents and effort of The Universal Heartthrob. But before more spots can be botched and punches pulled, Kevin Sullivan and The Purple Haze (Mark Lewin) hit the ring to put us out of our misery.

BUT WAIT!!! Black Jack Mulligan's sparring partner, on-again off-again gay lover, and 1/2 of the greatest suicide PSA tag team ever assembled Jumpin' Joe Savoldi has joined the fracas. And wouldn't you know it, he is a HOUSE OF FIRE of the southpaw and high flying variety.

The ring announcer dressed in a red sequin jacket, horrible arena acoustics/indecipherable pre-match interview, tubby referee, plethora of unoccupied folding chairs, and smattering of red necks both in the ringside area and in the parking lot only serve to enhance the sordid and rather sorry spectacle.

Or as it's referred to as in the ICW: Total Mayhem.

The Great Doc Hendrix Freakout of 1995

2010-11-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

Facebuster Nation, this clip from the mid-1990s World Wrestling Federation warrants yr undivided consideration for the following three reasons:

(1) Vince McMahon and Jerry "The King" Lawler at the announcing table adorned in attire one would typically associate with a gay rodeo star.
(2) The kid in a Magic 8 Ball hat that seems to have made a sign endorsing the shtick of one Double JJ via catchphrase reprinting.
(3) Doc Hendrix, also dressed to the nines in steer riding semi-formal wear, doing his best to summarize the latest developments in the whole Double JJ-Roadie fissure after simultaneously snorting approximately 1 kilo of cocaine and dropping 1/2 a sheet of acid.

Pay close attention to Doc Hendrix's overwrought, frantic, and disorganized approach to reporting. For it's what we members of the Arabian Facebuster Sexy Action News Team refer to as muckraking journalism at its finest.

As if We Needed Another Reason....

2010-11-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

Congratluations Linda McMahon...

2010-11-03T11:10:00.001-07:00

...on yr resounding repudiation and electoral thrashing at the hands of Richard Blumenthal. In retrospect, it seems yr campaign strategy of rallying the acolytes in the WWE Universe to put you over the top was tactically erroneous, seeing as how: (1) You were running to be the state of Connecticut's Senator, not the WWE Universes'; (2) Yr family sports entertainment conglomerate has driven so many eligible voters away from its product with (a) focus on appealing and marketing to adolescents and teenagers over degenerate Joey Schlong Cuts and Tommy Meth Labs such as the scribes and consumers of Arabian Facebuster ; (b) the directionless, purposeless, stale, homogeneous, and superficially wholesome state of yr matches, characters, and storylines. Hopefully World Wrestling Entertainment will heed and operationalize yr campaign slogan in an expeditious fashion.

We wish you all of the best in your future endeavors.

Reason #6 to Depise Hulk Hogan

2010-11-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

In preparing my latest (but by no means last) tirade against the scourge on our polity otherwise known as Hulk Hogan, I unearthed this clip from the Dungeon of Doom running roughshod over the game yet never quite on the same page babyface alliance of Hogan, Savage, Sting, and Luger era of Double U See Double U.

It is from Hogan's brief DARK SIDE period and just too campy, ludicrous, and mind bending not to include as its own blog entity and demonstration of Hogan's inanity and "self-awarelessness." Enjoy this glimpse into the demented mind of Phantom of The Opera yard sale shopper Hulk Hogan. Oh, it almost goes without saying that this Hogan interview vacillates (albeit seamlessly) between a standard Hogan promo (with about 15% more sinsterness) and Hogan auditioning for the role of Hamlet (or possibly King Lear) at the community playhouse.

Almost.

Please also file this post under Happy Belated Halloween Wishes from Arabian Facebuster.

Reason #1 to Despise Our World's Worst Worker Search

2010-11-01T12:45:00.000-07:00

Facebuster Nation, for four years now, I've been warning you that Hulk Hogan is a glory hog, a Rasputin, a snake oil salesmen, a dissolute, a scam artist, a craven albeit master manipulator, a narcissist, an enabler, a huckster, a habitual liar, a hypocrite, a back stabber, an unmitigated and spectacular failure as both a father and husband, a piece of trash, a mindless blatherer and egomaniacal twitter video uploader, and to paraphrase a line from an enraged Magnum T.A., quite possibly the lowest form of scum walkin' on God's green Earth.

Well now the Hulkster has thrown his hat (worn to cover up his baldness) and easy rip t-shirt of suckitude in our World's Worst Worker ring.

And wouldn't you know it, he gets not one but two You Too clips to support his highly convincing case. The clip above features the Hulkster botching the timing of the most basic of offensive maneuver and one of about four wrestling holds actually in his repertoire -- a clothesline -- against "The Model" Rick Martel. At first glance, it might appear that Martel is at fault. But look closer...Hogan delivers/applies the move in the exact spot where Martel is too far from the ropes to tumble over or through them, but too close to the ropes to take a standard bump.

The clip below features the Hulkster in his finest hour of atrociousness, meticulously chronicled here at Arabian Facebuster: His asinine and excruciatingly drawn out feud with Kevin Sullivan's Dungeon of Doom that featured a smashed up motor cycle, monster truck battle on the roof of the hockey arena in Detroit, the increasingly insane antics of Hogan wing man Randy "Macho Man" Savage, a highly amusing mustache shaving, and lots of corny promos and campy super villains hellbent on the destruction of Hulkamania, circa 1995/1996. While this video is of a post match scrum as opposed to an actual match, Hogan's terribleness is on full display for all to witness, from his highly telegraphed and exaggerated right haymakers delivered directly onto his left hand which is being used to hold and position his victim's cranium, to his plodding selling of the Giant's beatdown, to pretty much any and all of his facial expressions and hand gestures of moral outrage.

Special bonus appearance by the block of ice which contains The Yetti for those of you that are able to see the clip through to its uninteresting conclusion.

Gentlemen, I think we might have a winner.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (AWA Edition)

2010-11-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

Dr. X (aka The Destroyer aka Dick Beyer) wrestles and films! I also submit this photo as proof that Verne Gagne was a frugal bordering on miserly promoter.

Jimmy Valiant...I Don't Know What to Make of This...

2010-10-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

"The Boogie Woogie" Man Jimmy Valiant:

(a) Has pent up and unresolved issues involving his father's gray hairs and curious vocational choice of driving his son around in a limo, if his Tom Waits like gravelly vocal and lyrical stylings are to be believed;
(b) Is from the kinky, sexually depraved, and geriatrically oriented school of polygamy;
(c) For reasons inadequately explained, needs black folks to help him find his BFF Leroy "Soul Man" Jenkins, the whitest guy you'll ever meet;
(d) Is renting to own a motorcycle that doesn't actually run and is only another 224 payments of $49.95 away from making that dream a reality;
(e) Better guard that bike, for "Rowdy" Roddy Piper is liable to steal it and trade it in for a modest size pile of low-grade cocaine.

Discuss.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (All Japan Edition)

2010-10-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

Bruiser Brody & Stan Hansen

BREAKING NEWS: WWE PPV in MPLS Toinight!

2010-10-24T15:20:00.000-07:00

And yrs truly Malibu Sands did not realize that the "Bragging Rights" Pay Per View was happening in my beloved metropolitan area until I walked past a WWE vehicle parked in front of the Target Center in downtown Minneapolis late last night. No doubt that said vehicle was driven from point A to point B by a card carrying member of the WWE Universe.

To say that the town is buzzing over this event would be a vast overstatement. Nobody is talking about it. And other than guys with short arms and blubbery rumps, ladies with fanny packs being held in place via rotund protruding bellies, and adolescents with complexions that range from pizza faced to crater faced, nobody cares.

Me and my fellow Minnesotans will be doing what we do best...sitting in our Barcaloungers, getting blotto as we watch the Vikings go down in defeat to our bitter Sconie rivals.

Or as we native born Minnesotans like to call it, an annual right of passage.

Oh the Plot! See How She Thickens...

2010-10-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

DATELINE: CONNECTICUT, USA: PLANET EARTH

The Washington Post is reporting that Conn. Democratic State Party SpokesLady Kate Hansen (not of the Stan varietals) is none too pleased with one Vincent Kennedy McMahon's recent proboscis sticking into his onetime wheelchair bound formerly pharmaceutically induced stupified wife's United States Senatorial campaign.

Hansen & The Connecticut State Dems. have called on the Federal Election Commision to investigate the potentially illegal consorting of Vinnie's multi-million $$ corporation & the Senate Campaign of the missus.

“Linda McMahon’s $50 million attack machine now has corporate reinforcements, thanks to the ‘Stand up for WWE’ campaign launched by her husband Vince McMahon. No coincidence, it looks a lot like her political campaign... except this one is probably against the law.”

“Linda McMahon’s claim that her husband’s aggressive public relations campaign is independent of her own political campaign is unbelievable, particularly after Vince McMahon specifically cites the Senate race as the reason for the offensive" said Kate (not-Stan)Hansen.

The Conn.Dems assert the collusion betwixt corporate McMahon & U.S. Senate candidate McMahon

"Represents one of the most brazen and overt attempts by a single corporation to influence a single federal election in modern political history".

Brazen & Overt?! The WWE?!?

No chance. No chance in Hell.

Thought Bubble, Ctd

2010-10-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

It seems as though World Wrestling Entertainment is preoccupied with getting Linda McMahon elected to the U.S. Senate at the expense of presenting a credible, compelling, and entertaining rasslin' product.

Is This Really Happening? Really?

2010-10-18T15:14:00.000-07:00

I mean really? Really.

Jumpin' Jeff Farmer: House Cleaner

2010-10-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

Facebuster Nation, I apologize for the drop off in routine, top notch blog content (heretofore referred to as blogtent for purposes of expediency) over recent weeks. Obviously, our time together is dwindling rapidly. In fact, in order to monitor the time until our beloved Arabian Facebuster Project's inevitable day of reckoning, I am borrowing The National Wave's countdown clock, used by that ill conceived event's organizers to calculate the days until the ~~commencement~~ of cancellation of out of sync and utterly pointless hanky undulation.

We've still got a lot to cover over the next 2 1/2 months...the search for Rocky Mountain Thunder's successor as the World's Worst Worker...more insights into the feuds, grapplers, angles, promotions, and peculiarities that have made us fans of THE professional rasslin'...a cavalcade of jobbers getting squashed for our bemusement...music videos from Memphis...Gail Gagne's looming trial on charges of criminal sexual conduct...*crosses fingers* Hogan Family Death Pool resolution...and of course the drugged up yet somehow still grounded rantings of, as far as yrs truly Malibu Sands is concerned, Arabian Facebuster's 2010 Blogtent MVP: Jimmy "The Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant!!!

Oh, and I almost forgot! More white hot action and cutthroat promos from the soooupa staaahhs of the IPW.

Much, much more.

So without any further ado, let's get back into it by watching the highly combustible Jumpin' Jeff Farmer-Motley Cruz and Richie Rouge-that big, nasty, wart infested Bulldozer situations blow up like a great big ol' stick of dynamite!!!...assuming of course the stick of dynamite was (a) untalented; and (b) woefully out of shape.

I'm going to utilize a FACT or FICTION narrative device in order to offer and organize my thoughts on this fracas...

FACT (0:06-0:16): Motley Cruz has the face and hair of "Gorgeous" Jimmy Garvin and the fat ass of every wrestler of Samoan lineage since 1953.

FICTION (0:30): Richie Rouge's textbook dropkick proves that he is indeed a master craftsmen of the squared circle.

FICTION (0:58): The IPW does not pipe in canned noise during post-production. They don't need to, what with rabid enthusiasm of the capacity crowd and the electric atmosphere that comes from holding yr cards in a dimly lit elementary school cafeteria.

FACT (1:04): Bulldozer's "chain" bears a striking resemblance to a leather belt.

FACT (1:23): Jumpin' Jeff Farmer might want to rethink his trunks choice of red spandex bike shorts.

FICTION (1:33): Rob Van Dam throws a stiffer looking punch than Jumpin' Jeff Farmer.

FACT (1:42): The preferred way to throw Motley Cruz out of the ring is to have something called Odell Buckingham deliver a forearm shot to the back of his neck.

FICTION (1:52): "Exciting action" and "Pandemonium" are the phrases which most accurately describe the IPW's in-ring product.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (UWF Edition)

2010-10-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

"Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert and "Captain Redneck" Dick Murdoch make a pact to terrorize the Universal Wrestling Federation as Jim Ross looks on, circa 1987.

In Tribute to America, Ctd

2010-10-11T14:45:00.001-07:00

Come next Sept 11, I'm totally wearing this shirt whilst watching the Jeff Jarrett video ad nauseam and airing of my grievances and disdain towards the man responsible for the atrocities perpetrated that fateful morn across the infotainment superhighway.

Mr. Fuji: Sinister. Devious. Indecipherable.

2010-10-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

While I am uncertain as to the specifics of Mr. Fuji's no doubt well laid and diabolical plans for his smirking and menacing hand gesturing Orient Express tag team to overcome the formidable glasnost inspired combination and flag waving slash crowd pandering antics of Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Nikolai Volkoff, I am certain that Mr. Fuji's tuxedo is vastly superior to Sean Mooney's in thread count, distinguishment, dapperness, fire retardantness, and overall wearability.

I am also certain that wasn't the first time a woman rebuffed the advances and slammed a door in the face of "Mean" Gene Okerlund.

World's Worst Worker...The Search Continues

2010-10-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

A perennial favorite to replace Rocky Mountain Thunder as Arabian Facebuster's poster boy for rasslin' inexactitude and gracelessness has been under our noses this whole time (well, since July at least): Mr. Jeep Swenson of World Class Championship Wrestling and perturbed at micro-mercenary deposits fame.

Let me make the case for Jeep with my trademark fourth grade sentence structure as you watch him overpower feather mulleted jobber Dusty Wolfe, who bears a striking resemblance to a bloated Mulkey Brother:
(a) He wears a beret.
(b) His punches, while by no means as feeble looking as say Rob Van Dam or Jeff Hardy, are obviously pulled.
(c) He seemingly prefers to fire his opponent into the ropes from the left side of his body, lending credence to my theory that Jeep Swenson is ambidextrous in the sense that he is equally unskilled with both of his hands.
(d) He is a lumbering stiff of the highest order, totally lacking charisma, fluidity of movement, and the ability to bend his legs n' knees inside the squared the circle. Pinning his opponent with his foot while standing up is more than just a gimmick, it is a way of covering up the fact the guy is incapable of rasslin' from any position other than a vertical base.

Jeep Swenson: World's Worst Worker. Whaddya think? Keep searching? A more or less worthy candidate than "The California Kid" Tommy Jammer?

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (Southeastern Edition)

2010-10-11T08:48:00.001-07:00

"The Tennessee Stud" Robert Fuller, circa 1986.

Yr Old Skool Drawing of the Week (Memphis Edition)

2010-10-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

The stars of the Memphis territory, circa 1983/1984.

Reason #310 to Despise Hulk Hogan

2010-10-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

He likely received wholly undeserved compensation (albeit a relatively minor amount I'm sure) from Post Cereals as a result of his frivolous "Cocoa Smashdown" lawsuit that we here at Arabian Facebuster dubbed "The Case of Cash Deprived, Tangerine Toned D-Bag."

Report filed by the assuredly sexy and scantily clad action news team from the Hulkster's local (Tampa) Spanish language pop variety FM radio station:

Hulk Hogan no longer has a beef with Cocoa Pebbles.
The celebrity wrestler sued the maker of Cocoa Pebbles cereal, Post Foods LLC, in May claiming that his likeness was being used in an ad without his permission. The St. Petersburg Times reported Wednesday that the suit has been settled.
Hogan - whose real name is Terry Bollea - took issue with a "Cocoa Smashdown" TV ad featuring a blond-haired wrestler with a championship belt and Fu Manchu mustache that bore a striking resemblance to Hogan.
His attorney, Joseph W. Bain, wouldn't disclose the terms of the settlement, but he told the Times that the commercial is no longer being aired and the lawsuit was dismissed Monday.

¡Ay, caramba!

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (Mid Atlantic Edition)

2010-09-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat do battle at the Boogie Jam '84. The match would end up going to a time limit (60 minutes, IIRC) draw. Greensboro, NC. March, 1984.

Perhaps The Obamas Should Re-Think Their Position on Professional Wrestling In Politics

2010-09-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

Rowdy Roddy Piper Fights Childhood Obesity from Roddy Piper

At Least She Slept Soundly

2010-09-21T14:02:00.001-07:00

I have always suspected that Celebrity Rehab was ineffectual in helping D-level celebrities learn how to manage their substance addictions, achieve meaningful sobriety, and reduce their risk future relapse...and now I finally have the proof to substantiate my wild ass theorems in the form of X-Pac crooked bonerphone recipient, on again off again degenerate drug addict, and perpetual attention seeker/notoriety whore Chyna aka Chyna Doll aka Joanie Laurer aka The Pill Popping Succubus being hospitalized after some excessive and abusive over the counter allergy medication ingestion.

From some random site:

Former WWE star Chyna, whose real name is Joan Marie Laurer, was hospitalized on Saturday for overdosing on Benadryl.
According to TMZ, the former wrestler took five times the recommended dose of Benadryl in order to get a "good night's sleep." She's lucky she woke up at all. When she did awaken from her deep sleep, she started vomiting and couldn't move from her bed.
Paramedics were called to transport her to UCLA Medical Center where she was given IV fluids to flush the remainder of the Benadryl from her system.
While Chyna is expected to be just fine, she does have problems with alcohol abuse, which can exacerbate any situation like this one. She has appeared on Dr. Drew's "Celebrity Rehab" for her alcoholism.
FOXSports reports that Chyna (Joan Marie Laurer) "wrestled for WWE from 1997 to 2001. Her fame was bolstered by the release of the porn film “One Night in Chyna,” in 2004, which featured Laurer and then-boyfriend Sean “X-Pac” Walton."
In addition she appeared on the reality show "The Surreal Life."
Hopefully those closest to Chyna have questioned if the overdose of Benadryl was truly an effort to "get a good night's sleep" and wasn't a cry for help or an attempt at ending her life. Benadryl, while simply an OTC medication, can be very harmful when used in large doses.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (Memphis Edition)

2010-09-21T07:47:00.001-07:00

Jerry "The King" Lawler throws powder in the peepers of Jack Brisco. Mid South Coliseum, Memphis, TN circa 1977.

Who Wants 2 be the next World's Worst Worker?!?

2010-09-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

The search to find Arabian Facebuster's next Rocky Mountain Thunder aka the next World's Worst Worker is officially ON!!! The purpose and goal of said search is remarkably simple: Find a grappler both as inept, incompetent, and perversely endearing as Rocky Mountain Thunder to amaze and entertain the Facebuster Nation with his spot botching escapades and, in the process, inspire top notch blog fodder from yrs truly Malibu Sands.

Gunny sack with unidentified and curiosity piquing contents preferred but not required.

Our first contestant is from the American Wrestling Association (no surprise there). To summon and paraphrase the putrid and predictable announcing stylings of Rod Trongard, "He is a 247 pounder hailing from San Diego, CA." His name?!?

"The California Kid" Tommy Jammer.

Who!?!?

Exactly.

Jammer's opponent: AWA jobber extraordinaire Tony Leone. This match emanates from Rochester, MN sometime in 1990. The AWA was truly on its death bed at this time, taping months of worth of television for ESPN in Rochester, MN and maybe running a occasional and surely poorly attended card in the Twin Cities. That was the extent of the so called Major League of Professional Wrestling. Rod Trongard had flown the coup, leaving Lee Marshall to befoul the play-by-play with his baritone stench and a rotating gang of idiots to bring down the color commentating. Joining Lee for this encounter, Arabian Facebuster's favorite geriatric killer Verne Gagne. As expected, Marshall and Gagne blather on nostalgically about the AWA's past...as there wasn't much for them to fawn over in the ring or in the promotion's present configuration.

In no particular order, what I dislike so much about Jammer is (a) His beach bum physique and aura that makes him look like a cheap knockoff of the already poor quality Dynamic Dudes; (b) the apprehension, timidness, hesitation, and uncertainty he demonstrates in working with his opponent; (c) other than a couple of headlock sequences that Leone makes appear adequate, his conspicuously limited and bland offensive repertoire; (d) that he's supposedly a high flyer but wrestles the entire contest on the mat; (e) the fact he has four "m"'s in his name; and (f) his wrestling attire which he looks to have procured at a thrift-store or in the prop room of gay porno production company.

You know, after watching this clip a couple of times I have: (a) Concluded Jammer really isn't the caliber of Rocky Mountain Thunder; and (b) Determined that I detest Tommy Jammer more than anybody else in the world today...other than maybe the ex-wife Tommy up and left and the daughter who he abandoned and failed to pay child support on.

Okay, so Jammer isn't capable of filling Rocky's ~~bare feet~~ shoes. Looks like its back to the ol' YouToo for me.

Tune next week for another installment of our quest to find the next World's Worst Worker!

Miscellany

2010-09-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

Sign of the Apocalypse: On my way home from long day at Tully Blanchard Enterprises Incorporated corporate headquarters yesterday, I noticed a billboard featuring Hulk Hogan sack wrangler and waddling tub of goo Brian Knobbs in full on Nasty Boys regalia, obnoxious spiked mullet hair, and Billy Idol sneer endorsing the ambulance chasing network of legal and medical hacks pimped out through 1-800-ASK-GARY. I am presuming that Knobbs' tag team partner Jerry Saggs was unavailable for the photo shoot or had ethical concerns with the 1-800-ASK-GARY business model. Occam's razor: Brian Knobbs is just too fat to allow anybody else -- be it Saggs, Hulk Hogan, or even manager Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart -- to fit onto the billboard without grossly distorting their likeness.

Bu$ted: Bulbous Chyna lady parts feaster Sean Syxx/X-Pac Waltman was Bu$$$ted for marijuana possession at Newark Airport. Airport security discovered a joint on his person after the dumbass tried to fly without any identification (which was allegedly lost/stolen at a party the night before). After conducting a thorough patting down and humiliating and invasive full body scan, security also uncovered that X-Pac has a laughably tiny penis, thereby contributing to the corpus of X-Pac crooked bonerphone research and advancing Pencil Neck Geek's groundbreaking and traumatizing findings.

Reason #505 to Despise Hulk Hogan: Recently, the Roger Ebert of Arabian Facebuster, Carminson Fritzerson, sent to me a Hulk Hogan flip book sequencing the Hulkster ripping his shirt off and tossing it into the adoring throng of Hulkamanioids around ringside. My preferred flipping method: Going through the book right-to-left to (a) watch the fans reject the souvenir; and (b) force the Hulkster put his shirt back on. Thank you for the hours of entertainment and gratification!!!

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (NWA Edition)

2010-09-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

Tully Blanchard after successful defense of his US (or Television) Title in Roanoke, VA. Mid 1980s.

In Tribute to America

2010-09-10T13:48:00.000-07:00

On this ninth anniversary eve of September 11, Arabian Facebuster is proud to pay homage to the US of A via musical montage of what makes this country great -- our children and grandchildren, the flag, our wildlife and breathtaking natural habitat, the pageantry and splendor of our architecture and monuments that resonate with freedom and liberty, slobbering dogs, games of pickup basketball, space shuttles spewing forth into space, and of course "Golden Boy" Jeff Jarrett dropping fists off of second rope turnbuckles and mugging for the camera in front of a babbling fountain -- set to Ray Charles' rendition of "America The Beautiful."

Land of the free, home of the brave indeed.

Just don't alert this man to our tribute, lest you forget who was responsible for attacking and bringing down th' Twin Towers with a feeble looking chair shot and giant boot, and in the process, robbing our nation of its collective innocence, that sun-drenched Tuesday morning.

Never ever never ever never forget.

Jimmy Valiant Can't Possibly Get Any Higher

2010-09-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

Jimmy "The Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant ain't down in the dumps and/or severely hung over no more. Nor is he in the mood to engage the sadistic mind games that war requires. For The Boogie Woogie Man has inhaled a pile of Ricky Morton's low grade yayo and is feeling good and FLYING HIGH!!!...causing him to (1) Scream at Tony Schiavone at the top of his lungs, despite the fact that Tony is standing about 3 feet away from him; (2) Sport a neon green C0ca Cola sweatshirt and show the world that he truly is a slave to fashion; (3) Grow a three toned (blond, brown n' gray)!!! beard to the precipice of unmanageability; (4) Hand Tony a key to the Boogie City AKA the detox facility where Valiant will need to be placed if he doesn't start to come down off this high pretty soon; (5) Engender a predilection to walk across the street, greet his fans, shake their hands, and gank their hard earned baggies of powder right from under their noses; and (6) Mistake Tony's mouth for a hooker's glory hole.

I think we've just witnessed the actualization of The Boogie Man Jam.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (Southeastern Edition)

2010-09-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

The babyface Rich clan...Johnny, Tommy, and Davey (L to R). Photo taken in 1988 in USA Wrestling Knoxville which was a short lived promotion that originated when Ron Fuller, who owned the Continental promotion, sold his territory to David Woods. Fuller in turn started up USA-Knoxville which ran a few cities in Tennessee for about six months or so...until his small promotion was incorporated/merged back into Woods' group.

Got all of that?

Jim The Anvil Bu$$$ted!

2010-09-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

Facebuster Nation: Last week I mentioned in the final chapter of the "Rocky Mountain Thunder: World's Worst Worker" saga that bump machine Krusher Krugnoff bore a striking resemblance to Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart.

What happens: Neidhart winds up getting royally bu$$$ted for controlled substance possession and drug trafficking...among other things. From sescoops (In order not to bombard you with pop ups and ad redirects, I'm not providing a link to this story):

Former WWE performer James Henry Neidhart, 55, (a/k/a Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart) was arrested Sunday afternoon and charged with two counts of possession of controlled substances with intent to distribute, two counts of trafficking illegal drugs, one count of burglary of an unoccupied dwelling, and one count of third degree grand theft for property stolen between $300 and $5,000.

The father of WWE Diva Natalya was arrestedat 2:50 p.m. after deputies were alerted to him being loud and unruly as he was pumping gas at the A.J. Food Market, located at 9806 Tom Folsom Road. He was seen opening pill bottles located in the trunk of his silver Pontiac Sunfire, according to a Hillsborough County Sheriff’s arrest report.

When authorities arrived to the scene, he was agitated and aggressive. He was observed “ingesting multiple pills that he dropped on the ground while inside the trunk of his vehicle,” the sheriff’s office arrest report states.

Neidhart is currently being held without bond pending his first appearance before a judge.

You know what this means: I have inherited super powers whereby anytime I mention a washed up and long forgotten about professional rassler, he winds up making the news for some various sketchy and unscrupulous doings.

Time for me to commence ongoing reminiscence of El Gigante, Duke "The Dumpster" Drose, and The Mulkey Brothers.

Reason #2 to Despise Hulk Hogan

2010-09-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

With the assistance of his incorrigible and infantile douche bag demon spawn Nick, Hulk Hogan has opened up a twitter account and is unleashing his cognitive distortions of self-importance and cultural relevance, unrelentingly self-promotional 140 character ramblings, unentertaining home twitvids, and shallow and unpersuasive insights and opinions.

The only encouraging takes I can proffer from this development: (1) We can incorporate this powerful, real time apparatus into our ongoing Hogan Family Death Pool watch; and (closely related) (2) Based on Hogan's slurred speech, flat affect, and drowsy demeanor in several of the twitvids he has uploaded, it seems as though he has been hitting the prescription drugs and painkillers pretty hard as of late.

That's good news if you are or rooting for Rev. Von Fury (or just simply rooting vociferously for the Hulkster's sudden demise) to prevail in our Death Pool sweepstakes.

Not one to be outdone or outflanked by the Hulkster, yrs truly Malibu Sands has retaliated in kind. That's right, I have established my very own twitter feed cum outpost and safe haven for Hogan dissidence, grievance airing, outrage manufacturing, and good ol' fashion bashing within the vast twitter frontier. I'm on and strong. So get 2 following! And tweeting!

Consider Arabian Facebuster's War on Sportz Entertainment and unwavering and unmitigated contempt of Hulk Hogan escalated.

On second thought, maybe I'll just leave the Hogan provocation and war waging to this upstanding gentleman.

Rocky Mountain Thunder: Enough is Enough is Enough

2010-09-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

Hunter Thompson.

Mike Richards.

Kevin Collins.

Daryl Nickle.

Bill Anderson.

Mike Somani.

The Surfer.

What do these schwaggy yokels have in common...other than they are all probably dead or in prison? They've all fallen victim to the awesome scufflin' powers and spot botching prowess of Rocky Mountain Thunder.

The latest and unfortunately last jobber to meet their demise via Thunder's calloused, unwashed, miniature ax toting hands -- Krusher Krugnoff (or Krugel, as that imbecile Rod Trongard refers to him as) -- a Jim "The Anvil" Nidehart body double who looks like the sort of guy that would bang the sister of the chick he was dating. Because of this moral failing, and the fact his name sounds vaguely Russian and therefore Godless Communist in origin, I say "go get 'em, Rocky Mountain Thunder!"

Lee Marshall must have been blowing his wad at the slots or in a prostitute during this match as he is nowhere to be found. Unfortunately for the television viewing audience, ex-AWA zebra Larry Lisowski joins Trongard at the broadcast booth, lending his frivolous insights which are best characterized as "homespun Upper Midwestern drivel."

I am assuming that this match in the early part of Rocky Mountain's run based on the following observations: (1) He's wearing shoes; (2) His physical presence presents as less disheveled than usual what with his tucked in flannel shirt, combed hair, and trimmed beard; (3) The announcers speculation and preoccupation with the contents of his gunny sack; and (4) The wrestling hasn't been this sloppy, inept, or atrocious since his debut encounter with The Surfer.

In fact, the ham n' egger playing the Krugnoff/Krugel character is so concerned with/ticked off at Rocky Mountain Thunder's carelessness, he forces the referee Gary DeRusha to count him out. I'm pretty sure that wasn't the planned finish...and the animated conversation between DeRusha and Thunder during the post-match hand raising adds credence to my contention.

Per tradition, alternative post titles include: (1) Rocky Mountain Thunder: For a Guy Who Calls it Scufflin,' He Gets Pretty Rough; (2) Anyone Who Has Gotten Rocky Mountain Thunder Mad: Paid a Dear, Dear Price; (3) 337 lbs of Scufflin' = Rocky Mountain Thunder; (4) Rocky Mountain Thunder's Gunny Sack: Very Special Property; and (5) Rocky Mountain Thunder's Gunny Sack: His Pride and Joy.

This concludes The Rocky Mountain Thunder collection. Rest assured, we'll try to find a suitably talentless replacement to stem the Facebuster Nation's withdrawal and cravings over the next few months.

Simply Stated

2010-08-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

Highlights of 1984 Ric Flair conducting a wrestling clinic on an unfortunately trunked jobber (that bears quite the resemblance to Dick Slater for not being Dick Slater) over Scandal's "The Warrior."

You're welcome.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (Mid Atlantic Edition)

2010-08-30T09:03:00.001-07:00

Tiger Conway, Jr. Not pictured, the water bed, strobe light, hi-fi sound system, or wet bar.

Prescient Observations from an Angry White Guy

2010-08-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

Bill Watts is many things. Former professional rasslin' hoss. Owner of the Mid South Sports territory (later of course renamed the Universal Wrestling Federation). Self described cowboy. Proud American. Patriotic American. God loving and fearing American. Xenophobic American. White American. Male American. Angry American.

VERY ANGRY American.

VERY VERY ANGRY American.

So what exactly is Bill Watts all irate about? Everything. Terrorism. Crooked politicians. The economy. Globalization. Foreign exports. Emigration. The promise of the non Dusty Rhodes version of The American Dream deferred and in many cases unfulfilled. General Skandor Akbar. The guy's like a freaking one man Tea Party, albeit without clothing (made in Vietnam) garishly decorated with American flags, the virulent bordering on seditious anti-Obama rhetoric, or round-the-clock coverage from the provocateurs, flame throwas, kowtowers, and alternative reality generators masquerading as journalists on FOX News.

But what really gnaws at Bill Watts' ten gallon cowboy hat covered craw...Russians. Specifically, Russians who hold six man world tag team championships.

God damn right.

Bill Watts is mad is hell and he isn't going to take it any more. If he can't take this country back and return it to its former mythic glory, then he is damn sure going to do the next best thing, kick some steroid injected Commie ass and reclaim those six man titles for America.

Give 'em hell Cowboy Bill Watts.

Give 'em hell.

Please also file this post and Bill Watts' livid rant and impassioned call to action under Why We Watch, Exhibit N.2

Baron Von Raschke: Demented Old Man

2010-08-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

I urge you to watch this brief clip above of Baron Von Raschke threatening revenge and bodily harm on The Sheik's depleted, blubbering, and absolutely hilarious "army" of Soldat Ustinov and Teijo Khan. And just to make sure yr critical listening, comprehension, retention, and analytic skills are up to snuff, go ahead and respond to the question below.

Which of the following statements is untrue:
(a) Baron Von Raschke's loathes spendthrifts.
(b) The Baron's mustache makes him look like a child molester, or at least an avid collector and ravenous consumer of kiddie porn.
(c) Minnesota Twin great Kent Hrbek has never heard of Baron Von Raschke and would appreciate it if he stopped inferring that he did.
(d) Baron Von Raschke does not acutally have any tag team partners lined up.
(e) I would rather listen to the sound of nails scraping a blackboard for hours at a time than having to endure another 5 seconds of The Baron "sing" excerpts from "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."
(f) The AWA is the major league of professional wrestling.

Tony Bourne + Luna Vachon = RIP

2010-08-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

"Tough" Tony Borne, father of Doink The Clown and legendary Pac NW grappler has died. In the photo above, that's him on the right and Moondog Mayne on the left.

Obit courtesy of WO:

Anthony Osborne aka Tough Tony Borne passed away this morning at his home at the age of 83.
Borne, the father of Matt Borne aka Doink the Clown, had been in poor health of late and passed away just as his son was leaving the house to go on a flight in Dallas.
Tony Borne was an international wrestling star, most famous in the Pacific Northwest as one of the area's all-time legends. The late 60s tag team of Tough Tony Borne & Lonnie Mayne (before he became known as Moondog Mayne) was probably considered the greatest in the history of wrestling in that area. The pair held the Pacific Northwest tag team title 11 times.
Borne also had great success as a small heel in Texas and was one of the most successful American wrestlers to ever work in Mexico.
After his career as a full-time wrestler ended by the early 70s, Borne was well known running a real estate business out of Milwaukie, OR. For a short period of time, he was also the father-in-law of Buddy Rose.

Also found dead today and under more mysterious and suspicious circumstances: Luna Vachon.

Richie Rouge: Could Probably Crush an Apple with His Bare Hands (If He Tried Really, Really Hard)

2010-08-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

When I think about the most entertaining talkers, interviewees, and promo men in the history of the professional rasslin' business, several names immediately spring to mind: Jim Cornette,"Nature Boy" Ric Flair, Double A Arn Anderson, "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes, Dick Murdoch, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, The Rock...

...and of course the IPW's resident wordsmith Jumpin' Jeff Farmer.

Another man who deserves to be included in the conversation: Richie Rouge.

Lex Luger, eat yr heart out. For Richie Rouge is truly "The Total Package." He has the look (by look, of course, I am referring to his keyboard player in an '80s synth-pop band atheistic), the Southern charm, the down home and common sense values, a sensible, cordial, and affable temperament, the steely resolve and unwavering purpose, and can talk circles around his foes -- like Bulldozer -- with his homespun, sophistic colloquialisms and idioms.

He truly is a man to be respected. As opposed to that big stinky nasty wart infested Bulldozer.

After watching this clip, I know what yr thinkin' Facebuster Nation: "Doggonit Malibu, Richie Rouge is the most courageous and determined babyface in the IPW."

Fair enough Facebuster Nation. But I implore you, DO NOT share that sentiment with this man...

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (Portland Edition)

2010-08-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

Portland wrestling mainstay and part territory owner Dutch Savage chokes a bitch (Lonnie "Moondog" Mayne). Photo presumably snapped in the late 1960s/early 1970s.

Skandor Akbar RIP

2010-08-23T13:28:00.001-07:00

Facebuster Nation: While I was out honkey tonkin' at Arabian Facebuster's Fourth and One-Half Annual Staff Conference and Fan Conclave, General Skandor Akbar, the mastermind behind the Devastation Incorporated stable that terrorized babyfaces in the World Class and Mid South/UWF territories, passed away at age 75 from prostate cancer complications.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (Memphis Edition)

2010-08-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

Jerry "The King" Lawler posing in front of his Slamburgers fast food hamburger stand circa 1976.

Menu here.

Reaon #182 to Despise Hulk Hogan

2010-08-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

Following the financial services trail blazed and eventually scorched into bankruptcy by "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, scourge of the Hulk Hogan, along with his tiny shriveled orange balls tickler and recipient of wimpbuster justice Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart, have gotten themselves into the loansharking racket.

Hogan and Hart's shtick: Shilling the easy money virtues of 1800loanmart and their misleading verging on fraudulent high-interest loan products targeted at those sad saps with poor credit and/or who have little-to-no chance of making their payments on time or outright defaulting on the loan, thereby bilking them out of thousands upon thousands dollars in interest and penalties.

These two ~~chums~~ chumps have no idea what allowing Hulk Hogan to squat in the backseat of their Jeep hath wrought.

Hulk Hogan: The more we learn about ya, the more we realize what a steaming and foul smelling pile of excrement you really are.

Randy Bryant: Slow Healer

2010-08-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

~~Wimpbuster~~ Facebuster Nation - Life is full of certainties.

Death. Taxes. Change. Conflict and disagreement.

Oh, and that the IPW's Randy Bryant hates Bill Ash more than you.

You see, Bill Ash broke Randy Bryant's arm and his shoulder, putting Randy out of action for two years. Two long years for Randy Bryant to sit on the sidelines, stew in his angry juices, and conceive his revenge. Two years for...wait a second! Two years?!? According to this website of questionable medical pedigree and whimsical atheistic, on average it takes up to 10 weeks to heal a broken arm and only about 6 to nurse a broken shoulder back to health.

But Randy Bryant is no average man. After approximately 104 weeks spent rehabilitating his arm and shoulder and sculpting his schlong cut, he has come (back?) to the IPW with a singular and unwavering purpose -- to take Bill Ash out...

...after his tune up match against the plucky and dynamic firebrand jobber extraordinaire Robert Sebren. Sebren is a proverbial ~~house~~ double wide of fire, delivering some stiff and incapacitating blows to Bryant's solar plexus, culminating in two of the most powerful clotheslines that I have ever witnessed...all of it within 30 of seconds of the opening bell.

Unsurprising to all 17 of the fans in the IPW Arena/condemned chopper hangar, Bryant is able to withstand Sebren's onslaught and turn the tide, snapping off a vicious neckbreaker to take control of the matchup. A few seconds later, Bryant shows off his greatest offensive asset -- his ability to leap high into the air at a moment's notice -- snapping off a spectacular looking flying cross body, shades of the great Ricky Steamboat!!, with the tremendous impact of the maneuver putting an end to Sebren's spirited challenge.

Now that's how business is takin' care of. Bill Ash, yr goin' down'!

Wimpbusters

2010-08-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

Jerry "The King" Lawler sings parodied lyrics over a Ray Parker Jr back beat with footage of Randy Savage making wild hand gestures, The King firing right hands at the craniums of the likes of Jimmy Hart, Andy Kaufman, and some blond woman an unidentified bikini clad lass (who is presumably not the same blond woman that Lawler lays waste to), Jimmy Valiant boogie and/or woogieying, and Lance Russell delivering impassioned plea for wimpbuster assistance interspliced throughout.

Oh, and what appears to be a cameo by shirtless homoerotic heartthrobs The New Generation at the 3:44 mark to boot!?!?

Great rasslin' vignette. Or the GREATEST RASSLIN' VIGNETTE!?!?

Watch clip. Marinate take.

Yr Old Skool Foto Foto of the Week (World Class Edition)

2010-08-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

The Dynamic Duo...Chris Adams and Gino Hernandez...coked out of their freakin' minds.

Keith Watkins Has A Tiny, Tiny Fuse...

2010-08-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

...and microscopic sized penis to boot, if his "I'm a small guy" assertion is accurate.

Facebusterians, I am proud to announce that August is "IPW Appreciation Month" here at Arabian Facebuster. Every Friday, we will be featuring the mega-stars of IPW doing what they do best... talkin', walkin' and grapplin'...and only as they can do it.

You want cut throat promos in the vein of Double A Arn Anderson? Well, you can start by playing the clip above.

See, promises do come true.

What's that...you say you like work rate in yr rasslin action?!? Well, I suggest you check in with us every Friday and satiate that craving. For IPW, to quote the fast talking, mush mouthed hillbilly "Dynamite" Keith Watkins, "is where the action is."

Or you could just feast yr peepers on the fast paced, high impact, five star matchup embedded just below featuring Watkins, who God gifted with Motley Cruz's hair and Jumpin' Jeff Farmer's physique (alternatively, one could describe Watkins as the hypothetical offspring from a torrid tryst involving Wild Bill Irwin and Flo from the TV show "Alice") going up against the fundamentally sound and tenacious Robert Sebren, who delivers quite the devastating clothesline to the stomach for someone who procured his ring attire at Bill Mulkey's yard sale.

Watkins versus Sebren. The irresistible force going up against the immovable object. A main event in any arena (or in this case, what appears to be the exact same helicopter hangar where World Organization Wrestling filmed their TV, only with poorer lighting and sparser attendance) in the country...

...And yr seeing it right here! In the IPW!!!

Deep Thought...

2010-08-06T07:49:00.001-07:00

...

AFSC&FC v4.5

2010-08-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

Arabian Facebuster is proud to announce that we are convening a mini Staff Conference and Fan Conclave, brought to you in part by Bu$ted and Camo Black Ice High Gravity Lager. In just two short weeks, Sexy Action News Team members Pencil Neck Geek and yrs truly Malibu Sands will travel to the secessionist militia, nativist, and Tea Partier with a hard to kick meth habit mecca otherwise known as Northern Idaho for a weekend of conviviality, sporadic personal hygiene upkeep, bouts and periods of shirtlessness that would cause The American Starship members Eagle and Coyote to blush, and IPW appreciation (Woops, I meant the home promotion of warriors like Tony The Spider and orators with the rarefied command, fluency, and fluidity of the English language a la Jumpin' Jeff Farmer, International Pro Wrestling).

To commemorate this rural retreat, Arabian Facebuster is once again pulling together its very own line of canned beer koozies for purposes of beverage temperature control and self-congratulation and appreciation of all that we add to the inebriated virtual professional rasslin' conversation!

Buy just one or collect all 11!

Arabian Facebuster: Home of the Hogan Family Death Pool
Insert Greenie Here
Arabian Facebuster: Knows Where Tony The Spider is Puttin' 'Em
Arabian Facebuster: Larry Nelson Binge Drinks Here
My Other Can of Beer is a Library Book
Arabian Facebuster: Where Complete Irreverence Meets Total Irrelevance
Gone Honkeytonkin'
Arabian Facebuster: Throwing a Fireball into the Face of Sportz Entertainment
I ♥ Cabin Fatties
My Other Koozie is a Teenie Hulk Hogan Pillow
Arabian Facebuster: A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Tully Blanchard Enterprises Incorporated

Samoa Joe: Insubordinate

2010-08-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

(What would Kobashi have to say about these developments!?!?)

File this under Reason #1,625 I hope that TNA fails and/or Stupid Goddamn TNA, Ctd...Petty, puerile, and punitive sanctions over a complaint that, on the surface from a logic and realism in yr wrestling product perspective, seems to have validity.

Quoth The Observer:

-- Samoa Joe is currently serving a one month suspension based on his vocally complaining at the tapings a few weeks back about them doing time calls during his television match with Jeff Hardy, saying it telegraphed they were going to a time limit draw.

If this leads to (a) Joe quitting the company; (b) the scrapping of the long pants and returning to the classic bicycle shorts look; and (c) Ring of Honor finding a way to sign and book him and Danielson Bryanson in a sure to be unforgettable series of matches (think Ring of Honor's answer to Flair-Steamboat 1989), then I'm all for it!

Why We Watch, Exhibit X

2010-08-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

Facebuster Nation, what with only three letters in the English alphabet yet to be assigned, we are hitting the home stretch in our "Why We Watch" series devoted to profiling the absolute best of professional rasslin's heroes, villains, matches, angles, promotions, and conventions.

Nearly two years ago, I boasted that Ted Dibiase would soon be enshrined in this proverbial, virtual, Facebuster curated, highly selective (unlike the WWE where the likes of Mae Young, Wendi Richter, Tony Atlas, Koko B. Ware, Tito Santana, Bob Orton, Bob Ucker, Pete Rose, William "The Refrigerator" Perry and numerous other undeservables and undesirables are welcomed) Hall o' Fame. Well, two years have come and gone with barely a mention of Dibiase's in-ring prowess during his years in the Georgia, St. Louis, and especially the Mid South/UWF territories or his over the top yet razor sharp portrayal of affluence, extravagance, and excess in his later years with the World Wrestling Federation.

In order to rectify these procrastinations and oversights and in response to the disabling of that amazing Flair-DiBiase-Murdoch Mid South fracas I linked to above, here is a trio of clips of Dibiase applying his craft through the years.

Assuming a sample size of that generation of North American wrestlers who were in their prime during the late 1970s-early-to-mid 1990s, in my opinion, DiBiase's technical mastery and execution, offensive versatility, consistency as a performer/storyteller, and body of work is only surpassed by Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat (and arguably equaled by Randy Savage) in terms of his contemporaries. To this point, I have selected a music video montage from Bill Watts' Mid South wrestling of a early-to-mid 1980s heel DiBiase executing a variety offensive maneuvers -- fist drops, loaded black glove right hands, powerslams, swinging neckbreakers, and spinning toe holds that transition into figure four leg locks.

The second clip features a babyface DiBiase in long form as he defends the St. Louis Wrestling Club's prestigious Missouri Heavyweight Title against a NATIVE AMERICAN TURNCOAT by the name of Chief Thundercloud on the promotion's Wrestling At The Chase program. This clip is likely took place sometime in 1981 during DiBiase's impressive 50 week reign with the strap, his second and final time holding that championship.

Lastly, in order to capture and illuminate the awesomeness of DiBiase's smarmy and cartoonish super villainy, I have embedded a clip of "The Million Dollar" Man and bodyguard version out for an excursion at the community pool. To no one's surprise, hilarity, monetary enticements, adolescent day ruining, and private/exclusive usage ensue.

Please enjoy the accomplishments, talents, and antics of Ted Dibiase: Why We Watch, Exhibit X.

Yr Old Skool Foto of the Week (AWA Edition)

2010-08-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

Greg "Rambo" Gagne in all of his string beaned, camouflaged, mid riffed, fashionista glory.

Friday Night Videos (CrockettMania Edition)

2010-07-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a month of rasslin' action here at Arabian Facebuster, thanks to the inspired and incendiary combination of cheap beer, cabin fatties, more cheap beer, vomit, and Friday Night Videos. We've witnessed The Mulkey Bros get roughed up in both tag team and singles action. We've admired Bruiser Brody's unwavering commitment to batter opponents, even when confronted by a hotheaded and senile old man with criminal intent on the brain and his revenge minded and pallid skinned son. We've marked out at some vintage National Wrestling Alliance Great American Bash '87 era footage. And we've marveled at Stan Hansen's propensity for brutality and thuggery and his tag team partners' inclination towards familiarity and laziness.

It's time to bring Friday Night Videos to a close with a tag team battle that originally aired on NWA Worldwide Wrestling in the Fall of 1985 pitting Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson of The Rock and/or Roll Express against Mike Davis and Tommy Lane of The Rock and/or Roll RPM's to determine which team truly embodies the spirit of rock and/or roll!!! Judging by the rock and/or rollishness of their entrances -- The Express coming into the arena to a synth pop with country twang sensibilities tune and the high pitched squeals and adulations of the teenie boppers in attendance, The RPM's presumably walking out to no music and little fanfare -- I am expecting a time limit draw.

While the match itself is brief albeit a totally solid example of 1980s tag team wrestling (when top tier tag team combinations like The Rock and Roll Express actually wrestled/performed as a synchronized, cohesive unit), David Crockett's in full-effect frenzied, cliche ridden, and dotting play-by-play stylings make this clip rise to a status worthy of showcase and appreciation. While not quite the caliber of a chance encounter with The American Starship in terms of David's inability to moderate the volume or inflection of his own voice...or for that matter the erectness of his own penis...this clip does feature some choice Crockettisms.

So I encourage you to follow David's feral and impetuous directive to WATCH 'EM! David would undoubtedly describe yr cooperation as a GOOD MOVE!!! GOOD MOVE!!!

Mistified

2010-07-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

(Fig 1: Tajiri gives Nelson Frazier Jr his comeuppance for not acquiescing to our Big Gay Viscera character demands).

What with the departure of our trustworthy, diligent, and sexually ambiguous intern Chip, yrs truly Malibu Sands has does a piss poor job in keeping up with the ol' Facebuster mailbag. Well I pledge that's gonna change starting RIGHT NOW. Between today and the self-imposed demise of Arabian Facebuster at the end of this year, I pledge to answer 1...no, make that 2...pieces of fan mail.

Rest assured, I am making this intellectually demanding and wildly time consuming gesture out of appreciation and loyalty to our dear readership and correspondents.

So without further ado, let's go the ~~gunny~~ mail sack...

Demolitions Matt and Pat write:

Mr. Sands: What are your favorite illegal, foreign objects in professional wrestling?

What a great question Demolitions Matt and Pat; thanks for asking it! In descending order, here are my top 10 favorite blinding, incapacitating, and/or unconsciousness inducing professional rasslin' foreign objects and object based attacks...

10.Loaded Black Glove
9. Arm Cast
8. Ring Bell (particularly when it is employed by a certain "Macho Man" Randy Savage to crush the larynx of one Ricky "The Dragon"Steamboat)
7. Tennis Racket
6. White Powder (preferably of the YaYo variety)
5. Steel Chair
4. Plastic Shopping Bag
3. Automobile! (preferably those which are traveling at a high rate of speed in a Memphis TV studio parking lot).
2. Fireball!!

and my #1 favorite foreign object is...

...

...Green Mist!!!

And of those deliverers of that mysterious and practically hypnotic Asian mist, my favorites would have to be "The Japanese Buzzsaw" Yoshihiro Tajiri and, to a lesser extent, The Great Kabuki and Killer Khan (particularly for his blinding of that egomaniac Hulk Hogan).

My absolute favorite though is The Great Muta.

Embedded below for yr consideration and hopefully yr approval and sense of contentment is a 200 second, career spanning tribute to Muta's multicolored toxic spewing prowess and versatility.

Of the dozens upon dozens of mistings in this montage, for me the sequence with Muta standing on a chair so he could spray the green mist in the eyes of worthless tall drink of water El Gigante (aka Giant Gonzalez) at about the 50 second mark of this clip provides the most delight.

Enjoy.

DO NOT Mess With This Man...

2010-07-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

...otherwise, prepare to be in a WORLD OF HURT, courtesy of the IPW's answer to Hulk Hogan, Kerry Von Erich, Bruno Sanmartino, Dusty Rhodes, Magnum T.A., Jerry Lawler, and The Road Warriors all rolled into one compact, dirty 'stached package...TONY THE SPIDER.

Capiche!?

Update: Dwayne Wayne called. He wants his shades returned at once.

Oh, Sweet Lord Jesus!!!

2010-07-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

Get yr Hogan Family Death Pool scorecards out, Facebuster Nation, for the two front runners in our Hogan Family Death Pool sweepstakes -- Linda "Ginormous Droopy Breasts" Hogan and her 21 year old sperm donor Charlie Hill -- are engaged...to be married!!!

Unlike our slacker Facebuster Sexy Action News Team, the PopEater Sexy Action News Team has got this story covered:

Hulk Hogan's former wife of two and a half decades, Linda Hogan, 50, is engaged to 21-year-old boyfriend Charlie Hill.

As Limelife points out -- in a post littered with the term "boy-toy" -- Charlie will be stepfather to Brooke Hogan, who is one year his elder. "Linda's hubby-to-be was [her son] Nick's friend before this whole relationship started. They started dating when Charlie was only 19," the blog writes. The news broke courtesy of The National Enquirer.

The two will reportedly wed next summer, aboard Linda's new yacht, named 'Alimoney' [sic].
Linda's divorce from her wrestler husband was finalized in 2009. While there's no word from the Hulkster on the couple's marriage plans, it's impossible to forget his comments to Rolling Stone

Brooke Hogan told E! satellite radio in 2008 that she was "totally freaked out" by her mother's new romance. "I personally don't like it at all or condone it, but she's my mom, so I have to show her support. I went to school with him. He was a grade under me. Me and Nick know him well."

Hulk Hogan's new leading lady, Jennifer McDaniel, is, according to some, a dead-ringer for his daughter Brooke. "Keeping the split classy, both Linda and the Hulk moved on quickly and dated wildly younger people, with Hulk getting engaged to a 36-year-old who, proving he has a type, is of course platinum blond," writes Babble. Hulk proposed to McDaniel in late 2009.

"My marriage to Linda was very toxic and very negative," Hulk told FOX News after his engagement. "Jennifer is just the opposite, she doesn't drink or get high on drugs. She doesn't watch anything negative like the news or TMZ. She doesn't read the newspaper. She always walks in the spirit of Christ, she never deviates. I can really see myself marrying this woman." last year: "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater [Florida] and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife ... I totally understand O.J. I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody's throat."

I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around the copious quantities of booze and prescription drugs that these fine upstanding lovebirds will surely consume to celebrate and consummate their sham love between now and the wedding date. Apollo Spas and Ms. Bissoux, I hope you are both busy preparing yr respective Death Pool victory speeches.